When I die.

I got asked the question, "If you could pick how you would die, how would you die?"
I replied with the generic answer, "Sleeping." But then I thought about it. I would like to change my answer if that's alright. I would like to die laughing. Yup. That's how I wanna go.

Alien part 1 of 8

I commited murder. My hands, my hands are stained with blood. I couldn't get it off. This is why I began my journey.

I pierced His hands. I drove the nails through those precious hands and into the tree that held Him. You see, I didn't want to kill Him but it was almost as if I couldn't stop myself from doing it. And I did it again. And again. And again. I left Him on the tree and walked home. My legs could barely hold me up they were trembling so hard. I went to wipe the sweat off my brow and when I saw my hands. My crimson hands. I vomited. Because I knew I had just killed an innocent man. Sobs quaked through my body. What have I done? What have I done? I'm a murderer.

And so I went home. And I washed my hands with boiling water. Still, it would not come off. I was tainted for life. The evidence of what I had done would be with me forever. I packed my things and left. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay at the place where I had commited the crime. What a fool. Did I think I only had to leave my town to not remember what I've done? So I walked. Alone. Utterly and completely alone. And what a way to be when you know you've done something for which you could never be forgiven. All you have are your thoughts. And your thoughts are never kind to you, are they? At least mine weren't. They were tortuous. I kept replaying His death over and over in my head. The thorns on His head that left bloddy trails all the way down His face and onto His chest. Before He was placed on the tree I saw the marks on His back. I shudder now to think of it. His back was bloodied and marred and disgusting. What did I do?

Donald Miller made me think...

I read this book about how the most important thing about being a Christian is love. Love for Jesus and love for others. I agree with it I really do. And while I type this The Beatles song, All you need is love, is playing in my head. But is that all you really need? There are plenty of verses to support this theory; Read 1 John 4:7-12, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 1, John 15:12-14, 17 and many more. But can you have love without law? Can you justly enforce the law without love? John 15:10 says, "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love." "If you keep My commandments..." We cannot truly love Jesus if we do not desire to follow Him and His commandments.

We say we are followers of Christ. But do we seek Him? Do we lead our lives in a way fit to be called followers of the one true God? I hope I do. Love can only be felt when we love Christ, we can only fully love Christ when we accept that we need to follow His commandments to the best of our ability. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we have to be perfect, we couldn't even if we tried. But I am saying that we have to long, we have to strive to be like Christ. And Christ followed the commandments of His Father. Shouldn't we?

Alien part 7

Today as I was walking I came upon the ocean. It's beauty was breathtaking. I found myself laughing, I found myself to be happy. It seemed the joy inside me could not be contained. My body tingled. I took off my sandles and submerged my toes in the sand. The grain was warm and it tickled my feet. I stood beside the ocean and I felt my eyes open wide trying to take as much of it in as I could. The wind whipped at my hair and I knew it was going to be tangled but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything while I stood there. It was wonderful. No thoughts filled my mind, no worries, no questions, how lovely it is to not have questions, nothing filled my mind. And it was absolutely lovely to have only beauty invade my thoughts. I couldn't think because I was preoccupied with my awe.

It seems that our Father wants us sometimes to not think but to only enjoy the beauty that He has created for us. I think He wants us to stop thinking so much and to just let His love for us fill, engulf, comfort, caress, and bring joy to us. He wants us to stumble before Him because we cannot believe He loved us so much, He filled the Earth with so much beauty. He wants us to cease our questions, just for a bit, so we can hear Him whisper that He created the ocean just for us. Just for me. This great big body of dangerous, powerful, beautiful water was made just for my enjoyment. Wow!

My God is great. My God is good.

Alien part 6

Today I am sad. Today I am disappointed. Today I am faithless. Today I am angry. Today I am frustrated. Today I asked my Father for things and He didn't answer me. I told Him that in His word it says that if I ask He will give it to me. But He didn't. I felt all these things and my mood was reflected in the weather. It was rainy and gloomy and I was soaked from head to toe. My sandels were filled with dirt that soon became mud. Rain streaked dirty trails down my face. And anger was evident on my brow. Today was not a good day.

I felt abadoned. Where was my Father? Why didn't He answer me. But as I ask myself this I know the answer. He did answer me. Just not in the way I wanted. He didn't say no but He didn't say yes. Once more I must wait. I am sick of waiting. I never want to wait again. The voice of my grandmother jumps in my ear and makes me wince, "Patience is a virtue." I am sick of virtues. I am sick of having a hole in my heart. It can only be filled when I am Home. When will I be Home! My Father doesn't answer me. But I know the answer. Wait.

Along my journey there have been times when my Father has given me exactly what I ask for. And then there are times when I feel as if I am speaking to no one. But I know that is the Evil One that whispers those thoughts in my mind. I recall a time when I sat on my mother's lap. She had told me a verse from the Book of Life before bed. As I think this I am strengthened. "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

I am going Home. And if it takes patience to get there, so be it.

Random thoughts that twirled in my head before class.

I like making people laugh. If I was funny enough I'd be a comedian. But alas, I'm not.
I guess I could say that my need to make people laugh stems from my parents divorce, wanting to be accepted and all that crap. But I don't think that's what it is. And I don't like using my parents divorce as an excuse or reason for every little personality trait I have. I think that's lame. Yeah, I know nature versus nurture. But God gave us free will. He lets us decide who we want to be and where we want to go. Circumstances might lead me to a certain destination but I can choose to not follow. Right? I think so. And since this is my blog I can write what I think.

So basically this extremely random blog is saying, I can be who I want. The past may be a part of me but I don't need to let it dictate me.

And although being a comedian would be nice, I would hate having to come up with so much new material all the time. I'm inventive but not THAT inventive.

lame...

Feeling inadequate sucks.

Alien part 5

I was laying on the cold ground one night. My hands were clasped behind my head and my eyes were fastened on the sky. This night like so many other nights I was worried. I was worried that I might never reach my destination. I was worried that my life would be a deep hole. Dark, damp, deep hole. I was worried that I would die inside the hole I had created. I was worried that others would succumb to the hole as well. I thought I was the only one in the entire universe who had these thoughts. For a while I convinced myself that I was. What a fool. Do I think myself so unique that no one else struggles like I do? My Father brought me out of my dark reverie. He reminded me that He would mold me with His own hands. And I would be a light if I just let Him work.

I began to think about my Father's hands. Would they be calloused like the old man I saw on the road? Would they be smooth like the hands of a king should be? Would they be wrinkeled with age, showing the sadness He has seen and the wars He had fought? I entertained myself with these thoughts. I didn't come to a conclusion of what my Father's hands would look like.

But I longed to be home already. I longed to feel His hands on my face, welcoming me home.

Alien part 4

It happened again. The sin which I struggle with. I caved in. There I was walking, ever walking, and I stumbled. I stumbled so hard I cut my knee and had a gash on my arm. I was bloodied. I was bruised. I was hurt. I was ashamed. I did it to myself. I made myself feel like death. I placed myself in the path to the otherside. It always happens. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Everytime I stumble; I want to scream, cry, and pity myself. As I was walking on this new path. This dark path. This path of evil, I was frightened. Terribly frightened. Terribly ashamed. I didn't think my Father would want such a dark creature in his Kingdom. I heard whispers that laced into my ear. They pounded and drove inside my head. They said I would never be good enough. They said I would always stumble. They said I wasn't wanted.

For days I traveled on this path. I was sick. I would retch and vomit along the road. It seemed my sickness was trying to purge my sin from my body. It didn't work. I was miserable. I shudder as I think of those days. I had built hell around me, and it was so convoluted a maze I thought I would die. Forever lost.

O how I missed my Father! I ached for Him. How I ached! One night, as I lay wounded and dirty on the cold ground a soft wind rustled my hair. I felt a moment of warmth. My bones crackled, my fingers tingled, and the briefest of smiles fell upon my lips. In the moment I remembered a story. I remembered that I didn't need to be here. I remembered that I was wanted, that I was loved, that I was needed by my Father. I lifted my dirt filled body from the ground and knelt. I prayed.

"Father forgive me for I have sinned. I am worthless. My heart is as black as coal. 'I am a zoo of lusts'. Embrace me. Amen."

It took me two days to find the path I had once traveled. A sense that I will be back on the road of selfishness fills me from time to time. But I just tell my Father to protect me. And He does. He whispers in my ear words of love, that make me weep and smile. My Father has never forsaken me. My Father will NEVER forsake me. My Father forgives me. My Father loves me.