A looong time coming . . .

I'm reading this book by John Elderidge about Desire, it's about searching for the life you've only ever dreamed of. There are two words that for me, describe Elderidge's work perfectly, insightful and humble. While reading this book it's actually been book imitating life, or vice versa.

For a couple of months life hasn't been going my way. I won't bore you with the particulars but it's been an uphill climb for a while, and I've been struggling with every step. Just like everything in the world my emotions through this time have come around like a process. It's like I know how I'll react before I even finish with the trial.

First, I'm fine. Upbeat even. Then there's acceptance, complacency, hope, complacency again and finally there's anger - at God. The last couple of weeks have been filled with me barely talking to Him and feeling guilty about it and then being angry at Him because He won't talk to me. But then I ask myself if He did talk would I listen? Unless there were a parting from the clouds and a booming voice that called out my name, probably not. And even then I'd probably ask for backup evidence. Apparently I need help with the whole faith thing.

That's why my God. My Savior. My Friend and Redeemer decided to reach me through a book. Mr. Elderidges' book. I woke up in the morning and after making some coffee decided to lay back and read some of the book.

Elderidge was writing about how sometimes it feels as if God is our enemy, how all the plans we make for ourselves are thwarted. And then he gave instances in which we would feel that, like not being able to find a job or a mate etc. And every one of the instances he provided was something I'm struggling with right now. Points of contention between God and I. And I knew. I KNEW. That God was speaking to me. Through the pages of a book that wasn't even the Bible.

And what I realized is this: We humans desire SO many things. Whether it's relational things or material things, whatever. And as the book says we supplant those desires with things that we think will fill us but never will. So in order to save us from empty lives God stands in the way sometimes of what we supposedly want so that we can realize that what we truly want will always be ours, A life with God. Now, I am a firm believer in God giving you things you want. Whether it be wisdom, or battle victories whatever it is God, as your Father He wants to please you.

But when we are separated from God we can't see Him through the filmy confusion of our desires. But once we are connected to God we see Him. Our focus isn't on what we want because He assures us we will have everything, "Ask and you will recieve." Our focus is on God and He, as cliche as it might sound, is our everything.

Besides, all the things we want, all the blessings and gifts we yearn to recieve, how much better to recieve it when we've been looking to God to satisfy everything. We aren't weary from trying to accomplish things ourselves, because we've been too focused looking at God.

So don't deny yourself desires. That is exactly the opposite of what Jesus preached when He came down to earth. He wants us to desire what the world says is impossible, streets of gold, travels across the universe, mansions prepared by the Master Architect. And yet, He will meet your earthly desires just because He loves you THAT much. Just look to Him to fulfill you and lavish you with wonderful things, don't try to do it yourself.

"Thy hand unloved its pleasure must restrain,
Nor spoil both gift and child by lavishing too soon."
-George MacDonald

G. K. C.

"Comradeship and serious joy are not interludes in our travel; but . . .rather our travels are interludes in comradeship and joy, which through God shall endure for ever. The inn does not point to the road; the road points to the inn. And all roads point at last to an ultimate inn, where we shall meet Dickens and all his characters; and when we drink again it shall be from the great flagons in the tavern at the end of the world."

-G.K. Chesterson in Charles Dickens

"One simple truth, however, will always remain: You cannot give what you do not have. Unless we make sure that we have a living relationship with God, we cannot hope to lead others to that same experience." -SSNET

carriages and white weddings

I've always been in love with love. When kids use to sing to me "ohh, you and [insert any male name] sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage." I used to pretend to be annoyed and would try to make them stop but inside I reveled in the fact that yeah, someday I was going to have marriage and then a baby carriage.

This summer I'm going to two weddings I bought my dress for another wedding next year and I am talking about one with a cousin of mine which will most likely happen next year as well. I'm up to my neck in weddings. I love weddings. I love the dresses and flowers. The vows and all the rituals that come with it. But I can't help but have fallen a bit out of love with weddings. And the sad thing it's not just with weddings but with love as well. Romantic love. I've seen it done wrong and turned into something so ugly a million times. I've seen promises made and then irrevocably broken. I feel as if the whole union and idea of marriage is in a bubble and everything and everyone is just throwing everything they've got at it. And my God, I'm just looking at it and sometimes my heart squeezes and I feel like I can't breathe because I don't think it will be able to last through the night.

I know that when your eye is focused on God and you marry someone who has their eye focused on God you actually have a chance at being happy. But so many things in my life have made me so cautious of it I feel like the risk will be too great. Is marriage worth it? I mean, do nuns actually have a good thing going when they pledge themselves as the brides of Jesus?

I know I can't do that. As Paul so eloquently puts it, "if you burn with passion" get married. The thing that confuses me is that I KNOW Christ is my everything. And I know even if I had the best marriage in the world I would be lacking if I didn't have a relationship with Jesus. But why then, do I want someone so badly? It pisses me off to be honest. It's like some innate weakness in me that I can't shake. No matter what I do, no matter how awesome my life turns out to be if I don't get married I know I would feel as if something was missing in my life. It might not make a big hole but it would be a wound that would never properly heal, that would still after years and years give me twinges of pain.

So what does this mean? I want to get married but I'm so scared of getting hurt I approach most guys with a ten-foot pole. What does that make me? Where does that leave me?

Alone. For now I guess. And the ironic part of all this is that I want to be a marriage counselor. Go figure.

But the good news is that I've had a chat with God about this. Me and marriage that is. We've had many chats. And the conclusion that I've reached is this . . . be patient, it's coming. So I won't lose my faith in marriage because I know that if I do it right, the God way, it will be the biggest blessing I'll ever receive.

All right God. I'm waiting for the one you have for me. But in the meantime I'm gonna have an awesome time praising You in my singleness. And when loneliness comes creeping over my shoulder, I'll drop-kick it. And maybe write a crappy poem too.

Duplicity.

I have nothing. But even though I have nothing I will give you something.
This something is a song by one of my favorite bands, Jars of Clay.
I think this song is beautiful and it makes me ache for the same thing they're singing about.

Two Hands

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
Chorus*
*I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high*

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
(Chorus)
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
(Chorus)
Lifted high,
Lifted high,

rush of air.

I want to be in that balloon, floating away.
I can't wait to be done with school. It's sucking the life out of me.
Pray for me. I'll pray for you.

woe is me.

Oh Jesus Christ I believe.

Help my unbelief!

progress indeed.

O President. I would believe you if you told the truth.
But considering you ran on hope and I know I can only have hope in my Savior,
that was my first clue.
You say things you don't mean. And make promises you can't keep.
I know it's what you all do but what about those who did place their hope in you?
Now I must pay for babies to be murdered in the name of science.
Benchmarks fill my taxes of which you said you wouldn't sign.
O President. The feat you accomplished was great.
But you tarnish your win with lies and deceit.
Thank God I placed my hope in Someone I can believe.

knowledge that holds true.

Sometimes I think I'm in love. I feel it in every possible way. I miss Him when I'm away from Him, I want to talk to Him all the time, and I love being in His arms. And then other times I call and call and He doesn't pick up. Sometimes I ask Him for something, something simple, and He doesn't give it to me. I get so angry. Why can't he talk to me more? What's wrong with me?

And that's when I know that I am more in love with myself than with Him. Yet, without Him without His love I become a shell. I've become who I am instead of looking forward to what I could be. You see, with Him anything was possible. I believed in beauty. Not only did I believe it but I experienced it, I tasted it, and let it lay still in the loose grasp of my hands.

But I let it slip. I look at my hands and they're dirty, calloused, hard. I've turned my head so many times looking for beauty my neck hurts. I LOVE YOU! Where are you? Why have you gone? And it is in my desperate moments that I especially feel the ache of His absence. We were so close. I felt surrounded, encapsulated, safe, worthy, wanted, loved. And now I feel nothing. And the nothing hurts so much more because I have a gaping cavity where the everything used to be.

It stretched me to the point where I no longer just felt His love I felt the love of everyone around me. When I smiled I didn't just use my mouth mechanically, my eyes smiled too. When I saw a child I wanted to nurture it. When I saw someone in pain I wanted to ease it. When I saw others newly in love my happiness would spill out onto my cheeks. My love was free.

Now I am chained and bound to feelings. Feelings of doubt, of abandonment, of a false sense of being, feelings of feelings of feelings. I HATE feelings. You see, when I was in love with Him it was more than a feeling of contentment. In fact it surpassed all feeling, it was pure fact. My love was so much a part of me as my hand or leg is. I breathed it, cherished it, acknowledged it and let it flow past my knowledge until it permeated every part of being. My love slipped past my fingers, down my legs, and unto the ground I walked on. That way every step I took was one where I stepped in love.

And the best thing of all was when people talked to me they too sometimes stepped in the love and I would see the love go up their legs, reach to the tips of their hair and disappear into their eyes. And then as I talked to them I would witness the love that I had shine in their eyes.

But now when I walk my love doesn't seep out. My eyes don't shine with smiles. And my heart doesn't get twinges of compassion. I am a shell, exposed and empty. With time, sand has worn me down and eroded my edges. Sometimes when I am on my knees pleading with Him for the love I used to have I hear Him whisper. Tears prick my eyes and it is a feeling of exquisite beauty and acute longing for what we once shared. But I ignore my feelings and instead dwell on the KNOWLEDGE of His presence and love.

Lord, restore to me the joy of your salvation.