my teeth are showing.

Hello Sunshine Pictures, Images and Photos

God, I'm happy today.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with Relient K.
It's hard to feel bad for a man's breakup when it produces such great music.

Relient K Pictures, Images and Photos

The sun is shining in Florida. And although I miss the coolness of Tenn. and the visible changing of the seasons there is something to be said of having the sun shining all day, everyday.

My mom is dusting off her fall decorations and it makes my heart exceedingly glad to see new wreaths grace the doors of my house.

There are countless other reasons why there is a smile plastered on my face but I won't try to analyze why. I'll just feel it through.

God, I'm happy today.


Rembrandt knew a good thing.

I don't have time to write because I have to get ready to take care of twelve 4yr old brats, their really cute brats however, and I love them desperately. Anyway, my fingers were itching to write something so I had to give in to the urge.
Prodigal Son Pictures, Images and Photos

When I saw this painting my heart started beating faster and I felt tears pricking my eyes and I know it's insane but I even felt an urge to utter a profanity. How could this painting evoke so many different physical and emotional reactions in me? This painting was Rembrandts take on the Biblical story of the prodigal son. And when I saw it I felt the son's dirty feet and bald head, I felt his shame. And then suddenly I felt the father's embrace and I was overtaken by his simple, grateful acceptance.

Rembrandt conveyed the moment between father and son, between us and the Father beautifully.

I won't get into the jealous brother who looks particulary evil in the background, that's for another time. :]


Two hands = A Lot.

Starry Night Pictures, Images and Photos

Sometimes you read something and it commands your attention. The way the words fit together tilt your world and then you realize, you know, that this is magic. And it all happened with the stringing of a couple of words.

Sometimes you hear a song, whether it be classical, folk, rock, anything and you are forced to take a step back and wonder at the perfect rightness of it. The lyric choice put together with certain violin strings, or the play of voice as it smoothes over the guitar, just explained a bit of life to you. It made things clearer.

Sometimes you see a painting and you hold your breath. Because this painting, this canvas that made sense of someone's brush strokes speaks to a part of your heart you never knew existed. And suddenly something has broken free and your a different person than you were before you saw the painting.

Humans have this glorious ability to create. We muddle through life and in a moment of God given clarity, you get it. Or at least you create what you don't get and even if by the end of your creation you still don't get it, the process has helped you. For centuries poets, writers, painters, musicians, sculpters, have brought clarity to the world and if not that, they have given us beauty. Whether it was beauty that scared you or beauty that enlightened you, they have given us an insight into the human soul.

Let us not hide our hearts from beauty, from creating, from each other. Our Father gave us hands, and hearts, and minds so that we might share them with each other. Don't be afraid to create. To share. To muddle through the world, even if it's with interpretive dance. :]


A looong time coming . . .

The Journey Of Desire Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm reading this book by John Elderidge about Desire, it's about searching for the life you've only ever dreamed of. There are two words that for me, describe Elderidge's work perfectly, insightful and humble. While reading this book it's actually been book imitating life, or vice versa.

For a couple of months life hasn't been going my way. I won't bore you with the particulars but it's been an uphill climb for a while, and I've been struggling with every step. Just like everything in the world my emotions through this time have come around like a process. It's like I know how I'll react before I even finish with the trial.

First, I'm fine. Upbeat even. Then there's acceptance, complacency, hope, complacency again and finally there's anger - at God. The last couple of weeks have been filled with me barely talking to Him and feeling guilty about it and then being angry at Him because He won't talk to me. But then I ask myself if He did talk would I listen? Unless there were a parting from the clouds and a booming voice that called out my name, probably not. And even then I'd probably ask for backup evidence. Apparently I need help with the whole faith thing.

That's why my God. My Savior. My Friend and Redeemer decided to reach me through a book. Mr. Elderidges' book. I woke up in the morning and after making some coffee decided to lay back and read some of the book.

Elderidge was writing about how sometimes it feels as if God is our enemy, how all the plans we make for ourselves are thwarted. And then he gave instances in which we would feel that, like not being able to find a job or a mate etc. And every one of the instances he provided was something I'm struggling with right now. Points of contention between God and I. And I knew. I KNEW. That God was speaking to me. Through the pages of a book that wasn't even the Bible.

And what I realized is this: We humans desire SO many things. Whether it's relational things or material things, whatever. And as the book says we supplant those desires with things that we think will fill us but never will. So in order to save us from empty lives God stands in the way sometimes of what we supposedly want so that we can realize that what we truly want will always be ours, A life with God. Now, I am a firm believer in God giving you things you want. Whether it be wisdom, or battle victories whatever it is God, as your Father He wants to please you.

But when we are separated from God we can't see Him through the filmy confusion of our desires. But once we are connected to God we see Him. Our focus isn't on what we want because He assures us we will have everything, "Ask and you will recieve." Our focus is on God and He, as cliche as it might sound, is our everything.

Besides, all the things we want, all the blessings and gifts we yearn to recieve, how much better to recieve it when we've been looking to God to satisfy everything. We aren't weary from trying to accomplish things ourselves, because we've been too focused looking at God.

So don't deny yourself desires. That is exactly the opposite of what Jesus preached when He came down to earth. He wants us to desire what the world says is impossible, streets of gold, travels across the universe, mansions prepared by the Master Architect. And yet, He will meet your earthly desires just because He loves you THAT much. Just look to Him to fulfill you and lavish you with wonderful things, don't try to do it yourself.

"Thy hand unloved its pleasure must restrain,
Nor spoil both gift and child by lavishing too soon."
-George MacDonald


G. K. C.

"Comradeship and serious joy are not interludes in our travel; but . . .rather our travels are interludes in comradeship and joy, which through God shall endure for ever. The inn does not point to the road; the road points to the inn. And all roads point at last to an ultimate inn, where we shall meet Dickens and all his characters; and when we drink again it shall be from the great flagons in the tavern at the end of the world."

-G.K. Chesterson in Charles Dickens


"One simple truth, however, will always remain: You cannot give what you do not have. Unless we make sure that we have a living relationship with God, we cannot hope to lead others to that same experience." -SSNET


carriages and white weddings

weddings Pictures, Images and Photos

I've always been in love with love. When kids use to sing to me "ohh, you and [insert any male name] sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage." I used to pretend to be annoyed and would try to make them stop but inside I reveled in the fact that yeah, someday I was going to have marriage and then a baby carriage.

This summer I'm going to two weddings I bought my dress for another wedding next year and I am talking about one with a cousin of mine which will most likely happen next year as well. I'm up to my neck in weddings. I love weddings. I love the dresses and flowers. The vows and all the rituals that come with it. But I can't help but have fallen a bit out of love with weddings. And the sad thing it's not just with weddings but with love as well. Romantic love. I've seen it done wrong and turned into something so ugly a million times. I've seen promises made and then irrevocably broken. I feel as if the whole union and idea of marriage is in a bubble and everything and everyone is just throwing everything they've got at it. And my God, I'm just looking at it and sometimes my heart squeezes and I feel like I can't breathe because I don't think it will be able to last through the night.

I know that when your eye is focused on God and you marry someone who has their eye focused on God you actually have a chance at being happy. But so many things in my life have made me so cautious of it I feel like the risk will be too great. Is marriage worth it? I mean, do nuns actually have a good thing going when they pledge themselves as the brides of Jesus?

I know I can't do that. As Paul so eloquently puts it, "if you burn with passion" get married. The thing that confuses me is that I KNOW Christ is my everything. And I know even if I had the best marriage in the world I would be lacking if I didn't have a relationship with Jesus. But why then, do I want someone so badly? It pisses me off to be honest. It's like some innate weakness in me that I can't shake. No matter what I do, no matter how awesome my life turns out to be if I don't get married I know I would feel as if something was missing in my life. It might not make a big hole but it would be a wound that would never properly heal, that would still after years and years give me twinges of pain.

So what does this mean? I want to get married but I'm so scared of getting hurt I approach most guys with a ten-foot pole. What does that make me? Where does that leave me?

Alone. For now I guess. And the ironic part of all this is that I want to be a marriage counselor. Go figure.

But the good news is that I've had a chat with God about this. Me and marriage that is. We've had many chats. And the conclusion that I've reached is this . . . be patient, it's coming. So I won't lose my faith in marriage because I know that if I do it right, the God way, it will be the biggest blessing I'll ever receive.

All right God. I'm waiting for the one you have for me. But in the meantime I'm gonna have an awesome time praising You in my singleness. And when loneliness comes creeping over my shoulder, I'll drop-kick it. And maybe write a crappy poem too.



Jars of Clay Pictures, Images and Photos

I have nothing. But even though I have nothing I will give you something.
This something is a song by one of my favorite bands, Jars of Clay.
I think this song is beautiful and it makes me ache for the same thing they're singing about.

Two Hands

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
*I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high*

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
Lifted high,
Lifted high,


rush of air.

photography Pictures, Images and Photos

I want to be in that balloon, floating away.
I can't wait to be done with school. It's sucking the life out of me.
Pray for me. I'll pray for you.


woe is me.

Oh Jesus Christ I believe.

Help my unbelief!


progress indeed.

obama Pictures, Images and Photos

O President. I would believe you if you told the truth.
But considering you ran on hope and I know I can only have hope in my Savior,
that was my first clue.
You say things you don't mean. And make promises you can't keep.
I know it's what you all do but what about those who did place their hope in you?
Now I must pay for babies to be murdered in the name of science.
Benchmarks fill my taxes of which you said you wouldn't sign.
O President. The feat you accomplished was great.
But you tarnish your win with lies and deceit.
Thank God I placed my hope in Someone I can believe.


knowledge that holds true.

sky Pictures, Images and Photos

Sometimes I think I'm in love. I feel it in every possible way. I miss Him when I'm away from Him, I want to talk to Him all the time, and I love being in His arms. And then other times I call and call and He doesn't pick up. Sometimes I ask Him for something, something simple, and He doesn't give it to me. I get so angry. Why can't he talk to me more? What's wrong with me?

And that's when I know that I am more in love with myself than with Him. Yet, without Him without His love I become a shell. I've become who I am instead of looking forward to what I could be. You see, with Him anything was possible. I believed in beauty. Not only did I believe it but I experienced it, I tasted it, and let it lay still in the loose grasp of my hands.

But I let it slip. I look at my hands and they're dirty, calloused, hard. I've turned my head so many times looking for beauty my neck hurts. I LOVE YOU! Where are you? Why have you gone? And it is in my desperate moments that I especially feel the ache of His absence. We were so close. I felt surrounded, encapsulated, safe, worthy, wanted, loved. And now I feel nothing. And the nothing hurts so much more because I have a gaping cavity where the everything used to be.

It stretched me to the point where I no longer just felt His love I felt the love of everyone around me. When I smiled I didn't just use my mouth mechanically, my eyes smiled too. When I saw a child I wanted to nurture it. When I saw someone in pain I wanted to ease it. When I saw others newly in love my happiness would spill out onto my cheeks. My love was free.

Now I am chained and bound to feelings. Feelings of doubt, of abandonment, of a false sense of being, feelings of feelings of feelings. I HATE feelings. You see, when I was in love with Him it was more than a feeling of contentment. In fact it surpassed all feeling, it was pure fact. My love was so much a part of me as my hand or leg is. I breathed it, cherished it, acknowledged it and let it flow past my knowledge until it permeated every part of being. My love slipped past my fingers, down my legs, and unto the ground I walked on. That way every step I took was one where I stepped in love.

And the best thing of all was when people talked to me they too sometimes stepped in the love and I would see the love go up their legs, reach to the tips of their hair and disappear into their eyes. And then as I talked to them I would witness the love that I had shine in their eyes.

But now when I walk my love doesn't seep out. My eyes don't shine with smiles. And my heart doesn't get twinges of compassion. I am a shell, exposed and empty. With time, sand has worn me down and eroded my edges. Sometimes when I am on my knees pleading with Him for the love I used to have I hear Him whisper. Tears prick my eyes and it is a feeling of exquisite beauty and acute longing for what we once shared. But I ignore my feelings and instead dwell on the KNOWLEDGE of His presence and love.

Lord, restore to me the joy of your salvation.


a balm that heals.

Lord save me from myself.

I hear you Jon Foreman.

jon foreman Pictures, Images and Photos

Listen to it. Share it. Dig it.

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs
And as silently steal away.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done


beards galore!

I love beards. I don't know why. I just thought I could post a tribute to some of my favorites.

Sam Beam2 Pictures, Images and Photos
Sam Beam from Iron & Wine

Abraham Lincoln Pictures, Images and Photos
Abraham Lincoln

Jim Morrison Pictures, Images and Photos
Jim Morrison

beards Pictures, Images and Photos
These guys.

beatles 2 Pictures, Images and Photos
The Beatles. Excuse Paul.

dave grohl Pictures, Images and Photos
Dave Grohl

Santa Clause Pictures, Images and Photos
Santa Clause


ay yai yai

You know when you have one of those days when you wonder what it's all about. [It], is of course the meaning of life. And as you sit and ponder with your best thinking man pose you come up gasping and still searching but somehow a little better off than you were before.

Well, today wasn't one of those days. Today was sunny. Today I had many classes and one nap. Today I ate taco bell. It turns out I love learning but it so happens I hate school.

I just want to punch school in the jugular. Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Listen, I wanted what I was writing to be something else but this is what it has turned into. I'm sorry it's not deep, I'm sorry there is no spiritual application for your life, and I'm sorry I have rambled. If you want substance read a book. If you want God turn the pages of your Bible. And if you want coherence . . . well, I don't know where in God's green earth you'll find that but have fun trying.

One final thought before I leave and continue with my day.

Lady bugs are the scariest thing ever. They look all cute and innocent. Riiigghtt...

They're pure evil.

Just thought you should know.



Rolling bagels

I was really bothered today. I think it started when I missed breakfast this morning because I hit snooze too many times. And then it got worse when as I was walking to my dorm room my bagel (the only thing I was able to get), fell off of my plate and started rolling down the ramp. I had to run after it and was so upset yet wildly amused I didn't care about all the germs that latched on to it, I toasted my bagel and ate it. And it was good.

Then I had to study all day. I had a test today, I have one tomorrow which I haven't even studied for, and a test on Friday which I know is going to be a killer.

And my computer charger doesn't work. Argh...

I've been bothered all day.

My friend said a stupid comment and I got annoyed. I know she didn't mean it but still, it was annoying.

I've been bothered all day.

I've been a brat all day.

"Rejoice in this day, the day the Lord has made."

I will forget my past so called "grievances" and I will rejoice in what God has given me.

Today. Right now. This moment.

God is good.


Paint and Dirt Between my Fingers.

Party Hat Kids Pictures, Images and Photos

When I was a little girl I lived in a big house with an acre of land. An acre of land isn't that much but to a little girl it's like she has a big piece of the world all to herself. My family and I had ten dogs. Well, we had one very loose momma dog who was always pregnant and ten little puppies. I remember as soon as I got home from school I would run to the iron gate that led to my backyard and I would spend all afternoon with my puppies. I would roll around in the dirt and all the puppies would rush to me, licking my face and jumping on me. I loved it.

I remember I loved to paint, color, draw anything that had to do with colors, I was all over it. I loved to dip my fingers in the cool paints and run them across the white page. I have no talent for drawing but at the age of six you don't worry about the talent you lack; you just revel in the feel of the paint on your fingers and the feel of your heart as it produces something you didn't even know you could make. My aunt would always encourage me to paint. I remember she would make me feel like I was actually good. Even now she has this big painting I made of flowers with super-long stems and happy faces, she has it framed in her bedroom.

I look at that painting and I smile, but sometimes when I dwell on it too long my smile turns sad. What happened? Why did I ever stop? Did I become too self-conscious? Did I realize that I wasn't that good? Why did I stop doing something that made me so happy? I haven't painted in years. My fingers haven't felt the sticky coolness of paint, my heart hasn't been warmed by silly creations in a long long time.

When did I stop rolling around in the dirt? Not caring about whether it got in my hair or in between my fingers? And the worst part of all of this is that I can't pinpoint a specific time that all this stopped. It was more like a gradual dimming of a certain part of my heart. Maybe I grew out of it. Or maybe the feeling that made me run in the rain, the feeling that enticed me to make hundreds of mudpies, the feeling that made me glow with joy over my silly painting, maybe that wonderful awesome feeling left because I ceased to see how it would ever be relevant.

What would that feeling ever do for me, except distract me from serious living?

Kids always want to play. And what do us adults do? We tell them to relax for a bit, sit down. But why are we telling them to take a break from the joy of living, of experiencing, of being so fully alive? The Man with the dirty sandals and beautiful heart said that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven we have to be like little children.

I want to remember. I want to feel like a child. I want to have faith like a child. I want to laugh like a child. So I will paint, even if it is a painting of flowers with long-stems and happy faces, I will feel the sticky, cool paint between my fingers and I will relish it.

I have to.



Flight of the Conchords = Love

I wanna marry someone who can move like that . . . [sigh]


incoherent to you . . . coherent to me.

mud hut Pictures, Images and Photos
Sometimes you have to let go.

I formed this idea in my head and I've held on to it for so long that I almost feel that if I release it I'll have nothing left.
I will be left bereft and I will no longer have that part of my life anymore. Sorry if this sounds cryptic but I don't want to share what I have to let go of.

Sometimes we build castles in the air. And although Thoreau says we must put foundations under them what if what you thought was a castle is actually a mud hut?? And so building the foundation for a castle is useless because . . . well because it just is.

So here, right now I cast off this idea, this thought and I will let it roam off into space and I will allow time to envelop it so it can never be found again. It's long overdue.

This doesn't make sense to you does it? Sorry, but not really 'cause it's my blog. :]

I hope everyone is having a good Wednesday. I'm pretty sure I am...




true love Pictures, Images and Photos
The phrase, "How to get a date" met my eyes. No, I wasn't reading the latest Accent article on dating. I was in class and the phrase was referring to radiometric dating not boy/girl dating. I smiled to myself and allowed my thoughts to drift away from rocks and dirt to the far more interesting topic of boy/girl dating.

The articles that have been written for the Accent on dating have ranged from tips for getting a date, what not to do, and articles that satirize the whole concept of dating especially in a Christian setting. Does the guy make the first move or doesn't he? Does the girl act coy or forward? What does a "vesper's date" really mean anyway? All these questions and more seem to plague the minds of the students at SAU.

I think Southern guys and girls need to do one very essential thing: RELAX! That guy that you thought was into you, well turns out he isn't, he took out Susie Q and left you with one less prospective future mate. Your a Senior and times a' wasting but I say throw all concern to the wind. You might say, "But after I graduate I have to enter the real world and their aren't as many Adventists in the work place. And forget about my Church family there's no one there. I'll never find a good Adventist husband if I don't find him now." True. Good point. My what a sad sad story. Let me play the violin for you.

In Song of Solomon it says, "Do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time." -Ch. 8 vs. 4 Maybe all this talk about what you should do to get noticed by the opposite sex is just that, talk. Maybe Southern guys don't need to be more forward. Maybe Southern girls don't need to be so anxious for a husband. I mean I can spout tons of verses that make me trust in God's promises, "Do not be anxious for anything", "It is not good for man to be alone" and so on. So why if we have the evidence of God's promise's do we continue to try to do things that will help us find mate's for ourselves?

I propose it's God's job not mine to find my future husband. I trust in Him to find me a good job when I graduate. I trust in Him to be able to provide for my financial needs here at Southern. Why wouldn't I trust in Him to provide for me one of the most important things in my life?

Going back to the verse in Song of Solomon about not awakening love until it's appropriate time, only God knows when a time is appropriate. I can only see the past and present. But God sees the past, present and future. He knows what I need and when I need it. Throughout Scripture we see lots of evidence that shows us how God's timing is best.

As soon as we begin to do things with our own understanding we begin to fail. I am not saying that girls, we shouldn't give encouragement to a guy who likes us, ask God if this is His will and if it is go for it. Guys, I am not saying that you should just sit back and wait for God to plop a girl down on your lap. All I am saying is to, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5,6

Be strengthened. God has someone for you. Be patient. Good things are always worth the wait. Be faithful. Lean on God and the rest will fall into place.




"Now see the wretched sum of it, this madness,
this monstrous folly of appropriation,
this mortal seizure of immortal power.
Your city and your tower became your tomb
when in your prideful dreaming I am dreamed
out of existence; when you put your trust
your ultimate security, in Man."

-B. Davie Napier in Come, Sweet Death