When I die.

I got asked the question, "If you could pick how you would die, how would you die?"
I replied with the generic answer, "Sleeping." But then I thought about it. I would like to change my answer if that's alright. I would like to die laughing. Yup. That's how I wanna go.


Alien part 1 of 8

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I commited murder. My hands, my hands are stained with blood. I couldn't get it off. This is why I began my journey.

I pierced His hands. I drove the nails through those precious hands and into the tree that held Him. You see, I didn't want to kill Him but it was almost as if I couldn't stop myself from doing it. And I did it again. And again. And again. I left Him on the tree and walked home. My legs could barely hold me up they were trembling so hard. I went to wipe the sweat off my brow and when I saw my hands. My crimson hands. I vomited. Because I knew I had just killed an innocent man. Sobs quaked through my body. What have I done? What have I done? I'm a murderer.

And so I went home. And I washed my hands with boiling water. Still, it would not come off. I was tainted for life. The evidence of what I had done would be with me forever. I packed my things and left. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay at the place where I had commited the crime. What a fool. Did I think I only had to leave my town to not remember what I've done? So I walked. Alone. Utterly and completely alone. And what a way to be when you know you've done something for which you could never be forgiven. All you have are your thoughts. And your thoughts are never kind to you, are they? At least mine weren't. They were tortuous. I kept replaying His death over and over in my head. The thorns on His head that left bloddy trails all the way down His face and onto His chest. Before He was placed on the tree I saw the marks on His back. I shudder now to think of it. His back was bloodied and marred and disgusting. What did I do?


Donald Miller made me think...

I read this book about how the most important thing about being a Christian is love. Love for Jesus and love for others. I agree with it I really do. And while I type this The Beatles song, All you need is love, is playing in my head. But is that all you really need? There are plenty of verses to support this theory; Read 1 John 4:7-12, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 1, John 15:12-14, 17 and many more. But can you have love without law? Can you justly enforce the law without love? John 15:10 says, "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love." "If you keep My commandments..." We cannot truly love Jesus if we do not desire to follow Him and His commandments.

We say we are followers of Christ. But do we seek Him? Do we lead our lives in a way fit to be called followers of the one true God? I hope I do. Love can only be felt when we love Christ, we can only fully love Christ when we accept that we need to follow His commandments to the best of our ability. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we have to be perfect, we couldn't even if we tried. But I am saying that we have to long, we have to strive to be like Christ. And Christ followed the commandments of His Father. Shouldn't we?


Alien part 7

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Today as I was walking I came upon the ocean. It's beauty was breathtaking. I found myself laughing, I found myself to be happy. It seemed the joy inside me could not be contained. My body tingled. I took off my sandles and submerged my toes in the sand. The grain was warm and it tickled my feet. I stood beside the ocean and I felt my eyes open wide trying to take as much of it in as I could. The wind whipped at my hair and I knew it was going to be tangled but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything while I stood there. It was wonderful. No thoughts filled my mind, no worries, no questions, how lovely it is to not have questions, nothing filled my mind. And it was absolutely lovely to have only beauty invade my thoughts. I couldn't think because I was preoccupied with my awe.

It seems that our Father wants us sometimes to not think but to only enjoy the beauty that He has created for us. I think He wants us to stop thinking so much and to just let His love for us fill, engulf, comfort, caress, and bring joy to us. He wants us to stumble before Him because we cannot believe He loved us so much, He filled the Earth with so much beauty. He wants us to cease our questions, just for a bit, so we can hear Him whisper that He created the ocean just for us. Just for me. This great big body of dangerous, powerful, beautiful water was made just for my enjoyment. Wow!

My God is great. My God is good.


Alien part 6

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Today I am sad. Today I am disappointed. Today I am faithless. Today I am angry. Today I am frustrated. Today I asked my Father for things and He didn't answer me. I told Him that in His word it says that if I ask He will give it to me. But He didn't. I felt all these things and my mood was reflected in the weather. It was rainy and gloomy and I was soaked from head to toe. My sandels were filled with dirt that soon became mud. Rain streaked dirty trails down my face. And anger was evident on my brow. Today was not a good day.

I felt abadoned. Where was my Father? Why didn't He answer me. But as I ask myself this I know the answer. He did answer me. Just not in the way I wanted. He didn't say no but He didn't say yes. Once more I must wait. I am sick of waiting. I never want to wait again. The voice of my grandmother jumps in my ear and makes me wince, "Patience is a virtue." I am sick of virtues. I am sick of having a hole in my heart. It can only be filled when I am Home. When will I be Home! My Father doesn't answer me. But I know the answer. Wait.

Along my journey there have been times when my Father has given me exactly what I ask for. And then there are times when I feel as if I am speaking to no one. But I know that is the Evil One that whispers those thoughts in my mind. I recall a time when I sat on my mother's lap. She had told me a verse from the Book of Life before bed. As I think this I am strengthened. "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

I am going Home. And if it takes patience to get there, so be it.


Random thoughts that twirled in my head before class.

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I like making people laugh. If I was funny enough I'd be a comedian. But alas, I'm not.
I guess I could say that my need to make people laugh stems from my parents divorce, wanting to be accepted and all that crap. But I don't think that's what it is. And I don't like using my parents divorce as an excuse or reason for every little personality trait I have. I think that's lame. Yeah, I know nature versus nurture. But God gave us free will. He lets us decide who we want to be and where we want to go. Circumstances might lead me to a certain destination but I can choose to not follow. Right? I think so. And since this is my blog I can write what I think.

So basically this extremely random blog is saying, I can be who I want. The past may be a part of me but I don't need to let it dictate me.

And although being a comedian would be nice, I would hate having to come up with so much new material all the time. I'm inventive but not THAT inventive.



Feeling inadequate sucks.


Alien part 5

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I was laying on the cold ground one night. My hands were clasped behind my head and my eyes were fastened on the sky. This night like so many other nights I was worried. I was worried that I might never reach my destination. I was worried that my life would be a deep hole. Dark, damp, deep hole. I was worried that I would die inside the hole I had created. I was worried that others would succumb to the hole as well. I thought I was the only one in the entire universe who had these thoughts. For a while I convinced myself that I was. What a fool. Do I think myself so unique that no one else struggles like I do? My Father brought me out of my dark reverie. He reminded me that He would mold me with His own hands. And I would be a light if I just let Him work.

I began to think about my Father's hands. Would they be calloused like the old man I saw on the road? Would they be smooth like the hands of a king should be? Would they be wrinkeled with age, showing the sadness He has seen and the wars He had fought? I entertained myself with these thoughts. I didn't come to a conclusion of what my Father's hands would look like.

But I longed to be home already. I longed to feel His hands on my face, welcoming me home.


Alien part 4

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It happened again. The sin which I struggle with. I caved in. There I was walking, ever walking, and I stumbled. I stumbled so hard I cut my knee and had a gash on my arm. I was bloodied. I was bruised. I was hurt. I was ashamed. I did it to myself. I made myself feel like death. I placed myself in the path to the otherside. It always happens. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not. Everytime I stumble; I want to scream, cry, and pity myself. As I was walking on this new path. This dark path. This path of evil, I was frightened. Terribly frightened. Terribly ashamed. I didn't think my Father would want such a dark creature in his Kingdom. I heard whispers that laced into my ear. They pounded and drove inside my head. They said I would never be good enough. They said I would always stumble. They said I wasn't wanted.

For days I traveled on this path. I was sick. I would retch and vomit along the road. It seemed my sickness was trying to purge my sin from my body. It didn't work. I was miserable. I shudder as I think of those days. I had built hell around me, and it was so convoluted a maze I thought I would die. Forever lost.

O how I missed my Father! I ached for Him. How I ached! One night, as I lay wounded and dirty on the cold ground a soft wind rustled my hair. I felt a moment of warmth. My bones crackled, my fingers tingled, and the briefest of smiles fell upon my lips. In the moment I remembered a story. I remembered that I didn't need to be here. I remembered that I was wanted, that I was loved, that I was needed by my Father. I lifted my dirt filled body from the ground and knelt. I prayed.

"Father forgive me for I have sinned. I am worthless. My heart is as black as coal. 'I am a zoo of lusts'. Embrace me. Amen."

It took me two days to find the path I had once traveled. A sense that I will be back on the road of selfishness fills me from time to time. But I just tell my Father to protect me. And He does. He whispers in my ear words of love, that make me weep and smile. My Father has never forsaken me. My Father will NEVER forsake me. My Father forgives me. My Father loves me.

Alien part 3

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I met a man on the road one day. It was a bright day but there was a breeze that my Father had blessed me with. The man I met was old. Very old. His shoulders were stooped. His steps were a bit shuffled. His clothes were more worn than mine. As the man came upon me he said hello. I in turn nodded and continued on my way not really looking at him but he called me back. He asked if I was hungry. I said, yes. He asked if I was thirsty, I said yes. He beckoned me to follow him to a little wooden cottage, if you could call it that. It was tiny. But it was clean. There was one chair. A small kitchen and a pallet on the floor. He bid me to sit on his one chair. I sat.

He gave me water, I drank thirstily. He gave me bread and honey, I feasted on it. All this time I had not really looked at the old man's face. I took a break from chewing and looked at the huddled mass of worn cloth and curved shoulders. He smiled and asked if it was good. And I nodded my head as if in a daze. The old man was beautiful. Not in the way you think. But in ways infinetely better.

The corners of his eyes were so crinkled the skin overlapped a bit. I could tell he spent a lot of time laughing because the lines around his mouth curved upward. His eyes, O his eyes! The way they sparkled. It was like a light from within was trying to escape. His eyes were bursting with light. I felt myself wanting to capture it and put it in a jar so I too could have that light. His hands seemed rough. They were calloused. Hands that were never idle. Hands that helped, hands that healed, hands that were often lifted high with rejoicing. Oh yes, this man although poor, although obviously alone, rejoiced. And often.

The various valleys and hills on his face showed me he was old. It showed me he had spent many days out in the sun. It showed me he was beautiful, in ways I couldn't even descibed. It showed that he had traveled a long time with a man I knew. He had traveled with my Father. I thanked him for my sustenance and was on my way.


Alien part 2

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Today as I was walking I saw a girl crying. Her shirt was wet with the tears of her face. And although I wanted to keep walking I stopped and asked her what was wrong. Her eyes were pools of sadness. I saw my own reflection in them. I knelt down beside her and tried to comfort. I asked God for help and He gave it. She told me how she was worthless, how she did sinful things over and over. I laid my hand on her knee. And I looked at my hand and noticed the wrinkles. I saw how intricate my hand was. And before I looked at her I shared a secret smile with my Father. Because He had shown me how full of worth we are. I told her she was a princess. I told her she was the daughter of the King of the Universe. And I told her that over and over we sin. Sin. Sin. Sin. Sin. Ugly. Stupid. Nonsensical. Repetitive. We all do it. I told her a quote I remembered, "We carry the nails in our pockets." Her tears were still falling when I left, but softer now. I hope I helped.

It was night. The stars were beautiful, looking at them distracted me from the hard ground I was sleeping on. I was lonely tonight. I was happy. But I was lonely. Happy. But lonely. I remembered a story my grandfather would tell me when I was little. I remembered how Adam was lonely in the most beautiful place on earth but God gave him Eve. I shifted to my side and moved a stone that was botherng me. I remembered how God had taken the very rib of Adam to make Eve. And all at once my eyes teared. I was happy. But I was lonely. I told God how I have waited for Adam for a while now and he hasn't come. Silence. I told Him how I didn't want to travel by myself anymore. More silence. As tears streamed silently down my face I had the urge to march up to Heaven and take God by the shoulders. I wanted to shake Him. And make the Great I Am answer my question. I didn't. And He didn't tell me when my Adam was coming. I didn't think He would. But I remember feeling a tug on my heart. And then a push. And then my mind caught on to what was happening in my heart. Wait. That's what God told me. And I turned to my other side. Removed another rock from my back and slept. Peacefully.


Alien part 1

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I'm a stranger in a scary land. I've lived here my whole life but have never been comfortable. I feel so insignificant. Like nothing will ever really matter. A voice whispers in my ear that what I do doesn't affect anything. I've stumbled so many times while traveling from town to town. My sandals are broken and my legs are aching and my arms are bruised from falling. I'm always lost. Not once have I known what I was doing or where I was going. My life consists of questions. Questions that hurt my brain when I ponder them. Questions that are never answered. Questions that in essence don't even need to be asked. But still I am tormented. Ever tormented, ever lost, ever wandering. I've searched for home, for years and years. But I never found it.

I started my journey with friends. I leaned on them, depended on them but now I am alone. They were drawn to the bright lights of some of the towns we passed. So many times I wanted to go into the town and see what they were all about. The music was so seductive, the aroma of the food so enticing, and the people seemed so happy. But my legs refused to walk where my wayward heart was tempted to go. And instead of the sadness I would expect to feel, in it's place was relief and joy.

Sometimes along the way I would see traverlers such as I. Some were hungry and naked and I am ashamed to say I did not clothe or feed them. On my journey I would stay and tell them I was too busy to help them today, I had to get home. As I write this I hang my head in shame. So much I could've done. But for my selfishness I didn't.


A four letter word.

My eyes are closing and my body is longing to be covered by the sheets of my bed. But my fingers are itching to write what my mind is contemplating. Why is loving people so hard? In the Bible it says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Does this mean I don't love myself? I'm pretty sure I love myself. I'm not always proud of the things I do but I love myself. I love my family, my friends, I even love my dog. So why is it so hard for me to love other people. How could Jesus love strangers? It boggles my mind. I want to search the depths of my heart until I can come up with love for the woman sitting on the bench, or the man walking by. But all I can find is indifference. How can I love a stranger? God show me how. Your love is perfect I know that, mine is far from it. Teach me how to love. I don't know how. I have a sign in my room that I wrote with a green marker- Love people. Make them know they matter. Love people. Love people. I need to be reminded. Is that sad? I think so. But I console myself that I'm trying. That I am seeking advice from the greatest couselor in the whole universe. The One who is couseling me has written every book worth reading about love.

My God, show me how to love. I forget. I've forgotten. Remind me.


It's in the air.

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Fall. I love it. Have you ever smelled fall? Have you ever just inhaled and knew that today is the day fall began for you? It wraps around you and warms you despite the cold. It's wonderful. Everything is orange and red, there are leaves strewn everywhere. Everytime you walk there's a crunchy sound beneath your feet. There's a chill in the air but it invigorates. Everyone pulls out their jackets out of the closets, hot chocolate is now found at every corner. You find more excuses to go to coffee shops. Colorful scarves cover the necks of every person. If you notice more people are happier in fall. That is scientific fact. ;]
God blessed us with fall.


To live is Christ

My fingers are typing my mind is thinking but it's not really amounting to anything. I'm tired of always thinking the same thing. I'm tired of always talking about the same thing. But you know for a while now I've been talking about Christ. And that is a subject I never tire of. Isn't that amazing? I could probably talk about God for hours on end and still not scratch the surface of what I want to say. I can talk about His love but I'll never fully grasp it. I can talk about how He forgives my sins over and over but it will baffle me everytime why he continues to accept my apologies. I just want to grab onto God and never let go. I want to grab onto to Him so hard we become molded into one. You can't tell where He begins and I end. That is an honest desire of mine. I want Him to lead me anywhere He wants to. I want for ONCE in my life to not ask why or how or where.
Man, do I love my God. But it is NOTHING compared to His love for me. Why? Because His love is perfect and mine is tainted. I taint it myself. With the things I think and the words I say and the things I do. But as I write these things that are discouraging I have a smile on my face. Because Christ has overcome sin and I have chosen to accept His sacrifice. And to not only accept it but wear it around my neck and close to my heart.
I am following Christ.
I am a sinner. Yes. I am a liar. Yes. I am a hypocrite. Yes. But I have asked for forgiveness and continue to. I have been forgiven. Each day I stumble and each day I pick myself up again. Correction, God lovingly picks me up. Because I cannot do it on my own. My Savior is wonderful. My Savior lives. Not only does He live but He lives in me.
Like in St. Patrick's Breastplate, which I will type here because it is beautiful and everyone should read it and commit it to memory.
"Christ shield me this day:
against poison, against drowning, against burning, against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me
Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I arise
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me
Christ in the eye that sees me, Christ in the ear that hears me"

I want Christ to fill me. So that all I see is Christ and all others see when they look at me is Christ.


Desires and Patience

"It's a safe thing to trust God to fulfill the desire that He creates."
-Amy Carmichael

As my friend Lynette and I would say, "Wa Wa We Wa." That my friends is a beautiful and intense statement. I have desires, lots of them and sometimes I'm disheartened because I don't know when or how they'll get fulfilled. But that statement makes me have hope. It helps me keep faith. God's gonna come through for me. And He'll come through for you too. We just have to be patient.

It's just, sometimes I get tired.


Lame Poem

Thinking can sometimes be overrated.
If we think and think, and never act
What use is that?
If all the things we ever thought never cause us to think something that wasn't thought
What use is that?
I wish I was an Einstein, a Milton, or a Pope
But all things said and done
I'll never be any of those
So content I am
with these thoughts I call my own
that twirl and swirl about
in this lovely brain of mine
As unoriginal as they may be
They are my thoughts alone
And will forever be.

Just grab it.

I'm reading this book called, The Screwtape Letters. If you haven't read it, you need to get on that. The book basically shows us all the ways in which we are tempted. Which is alot. I mean we are constantly bombarded. And at first when I read this I was like, man can't just God put a shield around us so that we're never tempted? I mean that'd be pretty sweet. But then I thought well then I guess the whole free will thing wouldn't be that much use, would it? We live on the Devil's domain but he has to play by God's rules. So I'm comforted by the fact that God is never going to let something happen to me that I cannot handle. I think that God allows us to be tempted because He wants us to know that with Him we can overcome anything. I think God allows us to be tempted because He's a jealous God. He wants us to state loudly and proudly that the only place I want to go is Heaven. The reason I want to go, because I want to be with my Maker. I'm not a Theology Major, I'm don't know everything about the Bible. I'm not the most eloquent writer. So I apologize if this isn't clear but I hope when you read this you get what I'm saying. And just in case you don't I'll say it plainly. God loves you. He wants you to want Him. He wants you to know who you belong with. He's reaching out to you wherever you're at. So just grab His hand. That's it. Take a hold of it. I promise, you will not regret it.