I remember in high school how my ears were hollow and how I was indifferent to Christ. I didn't have an interest in God. I didn't have an interest in Church and I thought my life was fine. I never rebelled against Him in what the world sees as rebelling but in my heart I rebelled because I could no longer feel the knocking on my heart by Christ. I think about what would have happened to me if I would have continued that way but thankfully I didn't. And the way I was able to feel Christ again was through a book. And it wasn't the Bible.
My friend gave me the first book in A Voice in The Wind Series. The book had a heroine named Hadassah. The devil put her through so much but still she remained faithful to God. She was willing to deny her desires, she was willing to die for God if He asked her to. And by the time I finished reading the book I wanted what she had. I wanted her faith, her passion, her zeal, her love for Christ. I wanted it so much I ached for it. And after that I started to seek God. And ever since then my heart has grown in love for Him. I look back on those years and I think about how I wasn't unhappy and yet I wasn't happy. I was just indifferent. And I know that eventually I would have looked for things to prick me back to life and it probably wouldn't have been religion. I read once that the opposite of Love isn't hate but indifference.
I was lukewarm and God had vomited me out of His mouth. Praise be to Him that He doesn't give up on us. He continues to knock on our hearts. I beseech you. Anyone who reads this. There will be a time when He will stop knocking. Not because He has stopped loving you but because you have carelessly discarded His love and you see Him as irrelevant. Your senses have become dulled. God will not push Himself on you. He values our free will and wants you to come to Him because you love and need Him.
I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life. I have never felt more loved than I do right now. I have never felt more accepted more appreciated than I do right now. Christ is with me and I with Him. Blessed be His Holy name, He who has cleansed me of my sins and who loves me more than anything. He who has released me from my chains and who has declared that I shall be free.
I was sitting. I was thinking. Thoughts that went from one hemisphere to the next. Flitting and floating landing nowhere in particular. I thought of Time. Such an elusive thing, Time. The last second is the past, two seconds from now is the future, and we are always in the present. I imagined the seasons that change, given time. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. I imagined the seasons and time spread out. Touching end to end. All at once. The present, the past, and the future all connected as it truly is.
I saw myself walking through tall grass. The birds chirped in my ear and the ocean splashed at my feet. And in my next step leaves of all colors were strewn across the floor. They lay lifeless but beautiful. As if they waited for the time in their lives in which they were the loveliest, the most alive to die. We wait until we are old, our skin loose and spotted our hair sparse and dull. And then we lay in our velvet coffins with blush on our cheeks and tint on our lips. So that if we think really hard and try to remember what they used to look like we can imagine them as the colorful, plumed creatures they [we] once were. When the past was present and the future eons away.
My feet crunched the leaves making beautiful music. I laughed because I was happy. I continued walking on this path, on this stretch that was time. It got cold. Very cold. White covered the trees that were once green, that had turned red and orange and gold, then became barren but still beautiful. The skinny arms outstretched and some caught on my shirt. I moved away and a sprinkling of snow fell on my nose, hair, and shoulders. The tree found me ugly and wanted to clothe me in its garments. I looked beautiful.
My foot took another step and I was in a place half winter half summer. It seemed indecisive. If a season were a woman her name would be Spring. The leaves on the trees were growing again. The air that fell across my check was still cool. Grass had emerged and flowers were blooming. The sun patted my back. All these things I saw when my head I turned.
Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall were all in the past, would happen in the future and since I could see it with my eye were all in the present. I wanted to stay here in this place where I could see time. All at once, all together. No surprises. Just beautiful time. None of it expecting anything from the other. They lived in harmony. The past was not angry because it no longer was, the present was not haughty because it is the most relevant, and the future was not impatient because it wanted to rush upon us.
Time never left, it always was. It was never wasted it was in abundance. It was lovely here and I wish I could stay. But alas, from my chair I rose. Thinking about the time I had wasted, about the things I had to do, and the things I had failed to get done all because of my thinking of time and it’s elusiveness and how things would be if seasons stood end to end with fingers touching. Never letting go.
It's so weird and sad and disheartening that everything is disappointing. Nothing is ever as good as you want it to be. People will break their promises. Your parents won't pick up your phone call when you have something really cool to tell them. Your friends can be fickle. Your heart can disappoint you because of where it wants to go. Your mind can frustrate you because it can't go where you want it to. Nature dies. Your pet's will sometimes bite you. Your always moving away from something. Your always missing something or someone. The government never has your back. Your brothers and sisters can be mean. Your grandparents can forget you. Sometimes you just can't find the music for that mood you're in. Sometimes the words in books won't describe things well enough. That movie that used to make you laugh has gotten old. Your boyfriend will never be romantic enough. Your girlfriend will forget to need you. Food can fill you but sometimes too much to the point where you can't move (America). There is never enough food (everywhere else). Your favorite sports team lost the big game but won the one that didn't matter. Religion can err when based on the opinions of men.
There is only one thing that doesn't disappoint. There is only one expectation that is met, that is exceeded. There is only one person that'll always listen. Only one person that will always fill but not stuff you. Only one thing that won't turn to dust when you hold it. Only one song that will meet all your moods. Only one book that makes you laugh, cry, jump for joy, consistently.
I choose the water that Jesus offers. The bread that He gives. I will read the book he asks me to read. It's the only thing that's constant. The only thing that's sure. The life of a Christian is a comedy not a tragedy. So live it that way. Forget the rest of the crap.
I hate making decisions. I hate when only one path seems available to you. What if I don't take that path? It's like being on a train. You should have been on that train but only so you could get closer to your destination. But the thing is that you don't want to get off at the stop the train's stopping at because then you'll be farther from where you want to be. So...you decide to jump off the train. But you're scared. And you don't know exactly where you need to jump off or what'll happen if you do. You just know that anything is better than staying on this train. Even though it has comfy seats, nice people, and good food. All of that doesn't matter to you anymore. The train has become stifling and it seems like you can't breath unless you get off. And nobody wants you to jump off. They want you to stay in the train, stay in a place that's known, comfortable. But you can't. You have to jump off.
I walked into the palace it was enormous. There were pillars with the girth of ten men together and they were made of marble with the bases composed of pure emerald. The floor I was walking on shone like diamonds. Maybe it was. There were exotic animals in huge gilded cages. Tigers, elephants, and such. I walked onto a thick persian rug with an intricate design. It led to the throne of the king. Twenty soldiers on his left and twenty on his right just stood there with their swords ready, waiting for a hint of a threat to the king. The throne the king sat on was made of gold and rubies. His garments were the finest I have ever seen colors only a king could wear. But even if this man was in rags you would know he was someone important. He had sadness on his brow, as if he born with weight on his forehead. His eyes were the kindest things I had ever seen. They spoke of wonders and love. His hands I did not expect, his hands were calloused. As if he used his hands to do hard work regularly. I didn't expect him to rise from his throne but he rose and walked towards me. He extended his hand and grasped my forearm, pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly. As soon as he let go I bowed on my knees and didn't raise my eyes to him. He pulled me up, "Look at me. You have nothing to fear." I got up and I looked into his eyes and my worries melted to the ground and seeped into the persian carpet beneath my feet, never to be found again. The soldier that had led me to the king grabbed my arm unkindly and shook me. "My king, she is sentenced to die. She has committed murder. She has stolen and lied. And done enough crimes for ten men. She is condemned to die."
The king looked at me, "what say you to this?"
"It is true my king. I cannot deny the claims."
"Are you sorry for this?"
"Yes my king." Fervently, for I truly was.
"Then you are free." The soldier was about to voice his objection but the king sent him a look and the soldier became silent.
"I will die in your stead." The great King said.
Today was a pretty day. I went to McKay's Used Bookstore which is my new favorite place. I bought seven books for 12 bucks. Amazing. And among them was Traveling Mercies Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott which I've been wanting forever. The placed smelled like old books (which I love) and cigarettes (which I don't love) but together make a pleasant smell. McKay's is like some type of mecca for me. It was grand. Then I went to Panera's which was good. All in all good day. Oh yeah, weather's pretty awesome too. I would ride my bike if I wasn't so lazy. Who knows? Maybe I will. God Bless.
Oh check this band out. Their pretty cool in my humble opinion.
Oh check this band out. Their pretty cool in my humble opinion.
I was talking to a friend today. We're not that close and when I first met her I honestly didn't like her. She was loud and attention grabbing and I'm an introvert so naturally I had a stick up my butt right away. I talked to her tonight and she told me a little about her life. Her family has some serious issues but she's still seeking God. She's a good girl and I have seen God working through her in an amazing way. It takes me a while to warm up to people and I regret it took me so long to warm up to her.
I started thinking about all the people I have met and got bad first impressions and after that their name had a bad connotation with me. I thought about all the people that view me as a stuck up ice queen. And my mind screams out against the stereotype because that's not who I am at all. It just might be people's first impression of me because I'm shy. How superficial to judge people by a first meeting. Or 'I have a bad vibe from this dude'. You know how many times I've said that? One too many. Our opinions, ideas, and feelings can change with the wind. This minute I like it the next I hate it. How can we judge a relationship with a person so quickly?
If God were to sit down with us in the cafe never meeting us before and He got a 'bad vibe' from us, would he leave the table after we ate and hope he never had to hang out with us again? I really hope not. I'm glad God gives me chances. Hundreds, thousands, millions of chances to redeem my former behavior. I'm glad he looks at my heart and not at the one conversation we had three months ago. Because if He did the human race would be in bad shape.
Yes I know some people just don't get along with others. But I truly believe we can find some redeeming quality in everybody. You know why? Because I am everybody, You are everybody. If we just take the time to try and see people as God sees people I think this world would be such a better place.
I watched the movie David today. David from the Bible David. It's a pretty cool movie. I am just amazed by the way David royally screwed up so many times and God still called him a man after His own heart. I thank God for David, he gives me hope. It's also amazing how merciful David was. He exemplifies God's mercy beautifully.
There is a part in 2 Samuel I forget what chapter, where David's head army guy, Joab, tells David it seems that he loves his enemies and hates his friends. It was after Absoloam (sp?) was killed and they told David that the battle had been won but instead of being happy David mourned. He cried for his son.
And that just makes me think of God. The war has already been won but God must cry every day over each person that's lost in battle.