Just a Phone Call Away

I haven't written in a while. And I suppose it's because I don't have anything to say. Plus I've been really busy. But the other day as I was driving in my car my mind was numb to the music that was playing and I felt it. "It" is a sensation I get when I know I have to write. My heart gets warm and my fingers get tingly and my mind races in different directions. It's weird and I don't expect people to know what I am talking about, but I felt it. And as I got back into my room I forgot I wanted to write something. So days later I sit here and think about what I wanted to say and I don't know what it was. But I will share with you what is on my mind right now.

I've felt distant from God the past week or so. I haven't been seeking Him as much as I should be. My prayers have been meager and afterthoughts. And I know my inability to think of something to write has a direct correlation with my separation from God.

You see, when my thoughts center on God they contemplate things that are beyond me. Things that I haven't figured out so in order to figure it out I ask God for wisdom and I write about it to achieve understanding. But this chasm that I've built screams its silence at me and I've been too preoccupied to jump across and grasp onto God.

But I thank God because although I haven't felt His presence because I've been away I have scripture to reassure me that He's there. The devil will make you think that God isn't there for you because you don't sense Him. That's a blatant lie. God is always there. It's us who take leaves of absence. It's us who don't pick up the phone and call Him. Yes, there are times when we just don't feel Him even when we try. But the Word says, "You will find me when you seek Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13 Trust in the Word. It's life.

So what this random, blabbering post is saying. God is there. I know He is and I miss Him. So I am going to pick up the phone and give Him a call. Because my heart is tired and my mind is empty. Life is filled with disappointments and when I am apart from the Vine there is no cushion between me and the disappointments.

Without God every problem is more intense. Every lie seems to be a truth. Every person seems cynical. Every word harsher. Every day darker. But with God by my side every sound is sweet and every day brighter. I know it sounds cliche but that's what life is like when you have hope and a sense that life is NOT about you. It is about others.

So I encourage you to call God. Not just when you need Him even though I know He would be there. But call on Him regularly. It's nice to have someone to tell all your problems to and who can actually do something about it.

Peace.

Meaningless stretches of time...

In the midst of writing my paper I veer off into meaningless stretches of time where things remain undone for a bit. But it is the meaningless stretches of time that aid me in completing my paper. Albeit at a much slower pace.
I am currently reading The Shack and I would like to recommend it. I think. I'm not done with it. But so far I am very very interested. So I recommend it right now. Maybe not later.

"I suppose since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

–The Shack by Wm. Paul Young

It's a Wonderful Life

I love this movie and especially this scene. Hope everyone's having a good December.

I am...

I am a child of half-measures.
I am a product of lost love.
I am a student of procrastination.
I am a daughter of sin.
I am a lover of words of which I never string together.
I am a seeker of truth who tires easily.
I am a runner whose road always ends.
I am a dark figure who carries a lamp.
I am a winner who never enters a race.
I am a wanderer who never stills.
I am a viewer of injustice, who remains a spectator.
I am apart from the vine.
I am all of nothing.
I am filled with dust.

He is the vine.
He is all of everything.
He is filled with everlasting water.

I stretch out my hand and bring to my chapped lips, His water.
I become. I hope to always become.
I am a snake who has shed its skin.

I am a seeker of His love.

This I Recommend.

"We slept better than kings on soft beds of pine needles, next to a clear-running Appalachian river. My new alarm clock, the sun, woke us the next morning, warming us as it filtered through the giant pine trees."

"On foot, in a van, on a fleet motorcycle or on a bicycle, a person must be very careful not to become overly concerned with arriving."

Good Stuff. I just started reading it so I can't tell you much except this pretty hard core guy who his parents named, Peter Jenkins, takes a walk across America. So I guess the title's pretty self explanatory.

Shabbat Shalom.

exhaustion

I thought college was supposed to fill my mind with new and exciting ideas. I thought because of my groundbreaking and world changing thoughts I would be effusive with my speech and various ideologies.

I was not prepared however, for the life sucking, debilitating powers that the collegiate institution holds over me. I am a shell of my former self and my once bouncing and happy brain cells are now lagging across my cerebral base unable to utter a syllable let alone another word.

Words collide and crash against each other. Every sentence jumbled until its ideas are unrecognizable. Electrical circuits in my mind are going haywire and I haphazardly try to repair them.

Deadline, due dates are the death of me and my heart trembles in anticipation of the coming days. The shades from my window are lifted and the bright sun taunts me with its unencumbered rays. My bike sits lonely against a wooden stake and the crisp air calls my name. Yet, my bottom has become one with my desk chair and my fingers are now grafted unto the white keyboard. My eyes are blood shot from looking at the artificial light of my computer screen.

Ideas? What are those? Freedom? What concept is that? I must tailor my thoughts to those of my professors in pursuit of that ever elusive, primitive, and worthy, 'A'. My heartbeats are erratic. My brain fizzles with foreign thoughts. And my body lies awake into the depths of the dark night in search of it.

Twisted Wires

My room is dark and quiet. Garage voice is playing through the speakers of my computer. I should be outside enjoying the weather and God's creation but my eyelids are heavy and my pillow beckons me. I write now because my mind is sluggish yet unsettled and that's always a sign that something needs to be said. The wires in my brain are crossed and the connection is fuzzy. I don't know whether to think about God's intimate nature, the fact that He is a friend, why sometimes I don't feel Him, or why when I want to be lead I don't feel like He is leading. The little man in my brain is jumping from one area to the next and trying to write down all my thoughts but their going so fast all he has so far are sentence fragments. Which we all know are not good.

I don't think I have anything to say right now. Or maybe it's just I have too much but none of it will come out clearly. I'll try to wade through the dark and murky waters of my mind. In the mean time I'll show whoever reads this, a bad poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the mind.

A maze, a labyrinth filled with snakes. Burrs line the floor that must be picked up. Hands are pricked, heels are bitten. Hours spent, none of the time lost. Streams of light are at the end. The closer we are to it, the farther we've been. Your destiny is never to reach it, your journey is to always begin.

You dig in the dirt with your calloused hands. A pearl is found under the time worn sands. Rare - the find happens once in a lifetime. Half the sky is night, half is filled with light. You forget which is which. The black man looks white. There is a sweet kiss upon your cheek but it doesn't feel right. The water is murky the depth is deep. I can't breath, I'm drowning beneath questioning heaps.
______________________________

That sounds kind of depressing. It's not meant to be. But like I said it's bad poetry. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sabbath. God is good. All the time God is good.

A child birthed out of boredom.

I wanted to ride my bicycle today. I wanted to ride it with someone. But everyone was busy.
I felt like having a buddy but there was no buddy to be had.
So here I sit. And here I write. My fingertips hitting the keys and now time has gone by.

I wore black sneakers today and they made my feet smell.
But a shower I'm not allowed because Michelle is in there cleaning. Hence forth, I can't go in.
So my stockinged feet must the ground meet. And the stench will fill my carpet and will make others weep.

My thumb hurts. No. Don't worry it's not a wart. I think I have a splinter. Hey, I'm so excited it's winter!
My nose will be cold. But my hair will look nice. My feet will be frozen. But it's a very small price.
Because winter is lovely. Winter is good. Winter makes me wear a hood.

Maybe I'll put on a ski mask. Make it nice and tight. So I'll look like a criminal. But s'okay, I'm alright.
Michelle just called me. She's done cleaning. So off I go to take a shower and get pretty. Tonight it's vespers.
I know I'll be blessed. So I have to go now. . . get ready and dressed.

STRESS-O

This is the progression of my stress.

Some hair pulling.



More Intense hair pulling.



Breakdown into tears.



Yet I continue to procrastinate. Amazing how procrastination begets more procrastination.

...I spent a half hour on this...

Incandescent and Nonsensical are two of my favorite words.

Randomnessss...

I hate staplers.



I've been running around like a chicken without a head today. It sucked. (Sorry for the creepy picture)




I love love fall.



I really like Jon Foreman's music. New Favorite.



This weekend I have to do Big RA. Ay yai yai. S'okay. God is good. All the time God is good.

Cigars.

I was on a bike ride Sabbath afternoon. I had just been to the lawn concert and it's been such a wonderful Sabbath. And to top it off the sky was gorgeous. It was incredibly blue, there was a breeze and the clouds were so light it seemed like God was puffing out smoke from His cigar. Throughout the week I get so caught up in nothing. Ropes strangle me and tie me down. Ropes disguised as my academic career, exercising, keeping in touch with loved ones, boys or the lack thereof, cleaning my room, bathing, deciding what to wear... the list is endless. None of these things are bad. I'm not saying they are but they do strangle me and can be barriers to my ultimate purpose. Walking with God.

See, the devil is smart. He tries to keep me so preoccupied with good things that I won't have time for the best thing. I'm constantly being cheated. And to relax you think I sit and pray. I wish. I pull out a book or take a nap. My thoughts throughout the day are filled with classes, grades, conversations, but they are not filled with what they long to be filled with. No wonder when Sabbath comes my body heaves a sigh and my mind almost cries with joy. No longer is my state of mind confusion or busyness. My mind wraps around God and the rest He provided. He knew that we would need Sabbath.

I don't think that when we get to Heaven we will stop working. I think we'll be busy. But our thoughts will center around Rest. He is our eternal Rest. Even though we are running the race it is Enoch who went to Heaven because He walked with God. Let us take our time with God. In the midst of our weekdays, in the middle of our classes, while thinking of that certain someone, while writing that retarded paper, keep in mind that we should be ultimately preoccupied with God. Let our minds contemplate on the best thing. Not just on Sabbath when the sky is blue and you think of God smoking a cigar. But every second, of every minute, of every day.

Trees...Leaves...and Crazy People

Let my cry join theirs...

Hippies Wail for Dead Trees ~

expansion of the mind and a humbling of the heart

I was thinking while in the shower about thoughts. I want to one day write a book. Maybe even a couple. I currently have two in the works but I don't know if I want to continue them. I've hit a rut. And I was thinking I needed something to get me out of my creativeless (that's not a word) hole. And I was pretty much beating myself up about it.

I've been praying for a while for God to humble me. I mean I've been praying this prayer for a couple of months. And I know this was a prayer that the Holy Spirit placed on my heart. Finally, while I was in the shower shampooing my hair I was struck. Not by lightening but by something far more electrifying (Corny pun). I was struck by an idea that humbled me to my core. Now whoever is reading this, Do you believe that every good thought comes from God and every evil thought comes from the devil? If so we are on the same page because that's what I think. The fact that God has given us free will allows us to think for ourselves. But every seed of thought that we allow in our mind is given to us by either God or Satan. That's why we are instructed to take our thoughts captive and surrender them to God. David writes, "The LORD knows the thoughts of man; he knows that they are futile," -Psalm 94: 11 Our hearts are deceitful above all other things and are minds our being bombarded by the evil one. So what have we to rely on? If the two things that sway our decisions the most are things that cannot be trusted how can we ever do the right thing? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" -Psalm 13:2 "They know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand," Isaiah 44:18

Solomon writes in Proverbs 14:12, "There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death." So Solomon, wise Solomon, writes that what we may think is right is actually a path that leads to death. So you may ask how did these thoughts humble me? Well, because I realized that there is nothing that I could ever do, think, or say that could lead me to Heaven. I on my own cannot climb the ladder up to the pearly gates. And to take it a step further I could never write a book. Not by myself. Nope. If I want to glorify God through my writings then He has to be the one who places the seeds in my mind and directs my fingers as they type. How incredibly arrogant am I to leave God out the equation as I write. To leave Him out of my thinking process. Every step I take, every word I speak, every thought I think, and every word I write needs to be soaked with Him.

I've always wanted to be original. I always pride myself in thinking things other people haven't thought of. But if you read the quote I have about C.S. Lewis he stumbled on this idea a while ago. We will never be original. There's no way. The thoughts we have are put there by two different beings. We have variations on the thoughts because God has given us free will and we are not robots. But God is the originator of all things good. And the Devil is the originator of all things evil. And we humans dabble with the gray in between. C.S. Lewis says that if we say the truth we will nine times out of ten sound original. Why? Because the truth is given to us from God.

If we ask God to he will expand our minds so that we can ponder on the unfathomable, think on the unattainable, and contemplate the ungraspable (not a word). He gave Solomon wisdom. Solomon didn't attain it on his own. It was a gift. As was the gift God gave me. He lifted a weight off my shoulders when I realized it is His thoughts not mine that are original. Yes, it's really hard to write a book but I don't have to do it alone. He humbled me when I realized that all the ways I think are right will lead me to destruction. So all I have to do is concern myself with the Truth, ask God to widen the perimeters of my mind, and make sure that everything I think is pleasing to Him. The rest will fall into place. And I will, nine times out of ten, end up sounding original.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and recieved and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you," Philippians 4: 8-9

Apple of His eye

I wish I was more eloquent so that I could express myself better. I wish I was a genius so I could understand everything that's presented before me. I wish I was beautiful so I could turn heads as I walk. I wish I was the nicest girl that way everyone would feel comfortable around me. I wish I was the most spiritual person ever that way God could shine through me constantly. I wish a lot of things. Or at least I used to. Now, this moment, I am content with who I am. I am content with who God has molded me into. I'm not the smartest, prettiest, or coolest. But I am me. And there is no one in this whole world, in the entire universe that is like me. I am the apple of my Father's eye. And I can't wait until He sends me someone who loves me and appreciates me for who God always knew I was.


Listen to the song Apple of Your eye by Sons of Korah.

Long Post.

Want. It's a four letter word. The world is no longer driven by need but by want. People say that money is what makes the world go round. Yet, I still believe it's the hands of God that hold us steady. Want. When we are born we wail for our needs. Our mother's breast, a dirty diaper, a burp that won't come out, all these are needs that must be addressed. However, we learn at a very young age that wants are more fun than needs. So we wail but not for our needs. What I find interesting is that when Jesus' sandals pounded the ground here on earth He met the immediate needs of the souls He encountered. Ailments, sicknesses, blindness, lameness, demon possession, all these things that the people desperately needed; Jesus met the needs instantly. Where there was faith there were His healing hands. He didn't say come follow me and I'll give you this great ride and a pretty sweet house. He healed man of his ailments and cured them of their diseases. Yet, countless times in the Bible there is the mention of our desires. Desires...isn't that just a fancy word for want. Desires aren't needs. If I have cancer I don't desire to be cured, I NEED to be cured, and I need it immediately.

So let me get this straight, God meets our immediate needs. Right? Yeah.
It says in the Word, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." -Psalm 37:4 Delight means: a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction.
Extreme satisfaction...if you are extremely satisfied with something doesn't that meet all your needs AND all your wants. So what I think God wants us to realize here is that if we realize that our greatest need and our grandest desire can be met within Christ Jesus our Lord, than if we want more (and we will because God Himself designed us to want more) of something He will give it to us. Whatever it is. "If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you." John 15:7 And Jesus goes on to say, "My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.": -John 15:8 The red letters are our truth.

For some reason I acquired this mentality ever since I was a little girl that to be a Christian was to never want anything outside of what you have. Be satisfied and content. But that is against what my Saviour says. He says, "Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with BOLDNESS, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time." -Hebrews 4:16 My Father is not a pauper He is a King. A King who tells me to boldly go before Him. To boldly ask for more. He is a King who is so loving so giving that He not only meets our deepest needs but yet our most cherished desires. And when we abide in Him, He places desires within us. Don't be ashamed if the yearnings of your heart seem impossible. Christ loves to astonish us. But our Father will not push His inheritance on us. We must, as rightful heirs, ask for the inheritance He has for each of us.

Have you ever been to a stream where the water has become stagnant? It's smells funky and it's dirty and you could never drink from it. If we as followers of Christ, aren't constantly moving our faith becomes stagnant. We become stinky and nobody will want to drink what we have to offer. The reason God says He will give us what we want, when we abide in Him, I think, is because not only does He delight in making His children happy but because others will see and will want what we have. But we can show them that our extreme satisfaction can not be found with the things He chooses to give us. It cannot even be found when our most basic needs our met. Our extreme satisfaction, our joy, and greatest gratification, can only be found in Jesus.

...

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

There's more to spIT.

I was thinking a couple of weeks ago about the ocean. I was thinking about how huge it is and about how salty it is. I was thinking about how people used to go bathe in the ocean because they believed it had healing properties (which it does). Then I started pondering how God molded Adam and Eve with His own hands. He breathed the breath of life into them. How very extremely, beautifully, intimate that is. I imagine Adam taking a deep breath and exhaling and the air that is within him is the air that was within God.

I thought about Mark Ch. 7 Vs. 31-37 and Mark Ch. 8 Vs. 22-26. In Ch. 7 Christ heals a deaf man with a speech difficulty. The first thing He does is spits on His fingers and then puts His fingers in the man's ears and on his tongue. The man is healed.
Then in Ch. 8 Christ spits on a blind man's eyes and laid His hands on his eyes. The man is healed. In these two separate instances Jesus uses His spit to heal these men. Why? He didn't have to do that. Jesus could of just given each man a look and they would have been healed.

Maybe it's the same reason why our Father formed us with His hands. The same reason He knit us within the wombs of our mothers. The same reason He breathed the breath of life within us. The same reason He loves to speak to us from within ourselves. He is an intimate Father. He is a present Father. And His hands are never far from us. They are always present. He is always present.

Back to why I was thinking about the ocean. It's salty. God created all of nature. He spoke and everything that is worth looking at appeared. Brace yourselves this may sound odd, maybe the ocean (at least in the beginning of time) was God's spit. Why not? Jesus used His spit for healing. Maybe this great big body of water which many have gone to for peace, for healing, for pure enjoyment, maybe our very intimate God spit this ocean into existence. In Genesis Ch. 1 it talks about how God was hovering over the surface of the waters in the beginning. It doesn't say how the water came to be. The Bible doesn't say He spoke it into existence but it states it like the water just was.

I don't know. Just thoughts twisting in a mind that is tired of calling its thoughts insignificant. And even if the ocean isn't God's healing spit. These thoughts have caused me to appreciate how very intimate my God is. And that comforts me. As I hope it comforts you.

I wrote this a couple of months ago. I just came across it and I read it to my suitemates and they responded well to it so I'll share it with everyone else.

As I lay there thinking about my mom with my worry a tangible body sitting beside me and gripping my stomach and strangling my throat I lay there and dialed her number. It rang once. She didn't pick up. Twice. No answer. By the third call horrible images had taken an unwelcome stay in my mind. It was two in the morning, she was sleeping. She's fine. She's fine. She's fine. I got a call by the fourth 'she's fine'. It's my mother with a sleepy voice. She wasn't annoyed, she was just concerned and sleepy. I heard her voice and I asked her, "Are you okay?" "Yeah mama, I'm fine. You okay?" she responded. A squeaky yes from me and then sobs racked my body. I was literally shaking, I was crying so hard. Then, at two in the morning I thought I was crying because I was relieved. Now I realize I was sobbing because I could never keep her. I could never keep anyone. And that scared me. It still does.

Life is not a circle.

Have you ever been afraid of getting what you want? Or apprehensive of going after your dream? Your afraid of what might happen when you get it. Maybe when you reach your goal it's not all it's cracked up to be. It seems to me that sometimes our mind tries to make things better than what they really are. We say that life would be great if we had this and that. But when we get what we wanted something ends. The race has been won and the goal is accomplished. What's left? To enjoy the spoils of our victory? To dream up something new? Maybe. Or maybe as long as we're here on earth nothing will ever be good enough. And I think internally in the deepest corners of our being we know that. Even those that don't believe in God, Angels with wings, and streets of paved gold.

We are meant, we are built, we are designed for better. We are made to live eternally. So we always wonder what's next. But down here where there's gravity we discover that there is really no such thing as 'the circle of life'. Our planet may be round but our lives here are a straight line. And this line is not perpetual it ends and so do we. But those of us who believe in something more we have something many don't have. Hope. And a comfort that our lives of goals and dreams are not in vain. All we accomplish here will mean nothing. But it gives us something to do while we wait for the Man we are running the race for. So keep perspective and keep talking to the Man. He listens. And once you achieve everything you want to achieve you will stop and ask, "what's next?" And God will smile. Because there is so much more.

A void to avoid.

It's funny how a void means that something is missing, empty, or not occupied. For example, I have a void in my heart because my husband's off in war. Or...I have a void in my heart because my father was never around. I have a void in my stomach because I haven't eaten. I have a void in my life because I don't believe in anything. A void. Avoid. When there is a void we try to avoid it by filling it with something else. Sometimes we try to fill the void with good things and sometimes we fill it with bad. It's interesting to me how the words are so closely related. Just a thought that was bouncing around in my brain.

Short Sweet...Beep Beep.

As I sit here on my kitchen table trying to avoid the inevitable fact that I must study atoms and molecular bonding, I ponder on the thought of posting another recommendation. And so here is my recommendation, The Alchemist. Read it, dig it and think on it. It's a great book and a short one. It's filled with truth and wonder. What more can you ask for in a book? Alas, now I must study and avoid reading, The Kite Runner. Which is right in front of me and very compelling. Maybe it'll be my next recommendation. Peace.

Recommendation

I just finished reading this book and found a profound truth in it. Steinbeck shows that the most visible kind of strength, the strength used to oppress others, is born out of weakness. I recommend this book, it's harsh, has beautiful descriptions, and is full of truth and rich symbolism. If you have time this summer pick it up and read it. It's really short, you can read it in under a day.

In my humbly firm opinion.

"A man who stops believing in God doesn't believe nothing; he believes anything." -G.K. Chesterton

It's so incredibly frustrating to me how liberal the media is. They profess to show two sides of a story when they only show and embellish the side they want. Which is usually the side that paints liberalism as the good side, the forward thinking side. If you were to put a split screen and place on one side a liberal talking about the wonderful facets of abortion and on the other side a conservative talking about how wrong abortion is, the conservative will usually end up looking like a narrow minded jerk and the liberal will look like this kind-hearted, accepting, saint. How the media spins it that way is beyond me.

It's just sad how 'intellectuals' view religion as a sort of prison of the mind. The ideologies and concepts of religion seem like chains that trap people who when imprisoned long enough turn into robots. When nothing could be further from the truth. It's when people don't realize their need to serve, their need to belong to something greater than themselves, their desire to be loved unconditionally; it is then that people are imprisoned. They hide behind their books and scholarly papers, behind their rallies of acceptance and so called liberation, they brag about their forward thinking. But it is only when we acknowledge our need that we achieve real freedom, the type of liberation that makes you want to change the world.

I am sick of seeing how people are being spoon fed poison and are made to believe that if you don't allow this and if you resist that then you are somehow backward thinking and will eventually be inept mentally and socially. I think people show their intelligence when they pick and choose what they will or will not allow in the recesses of their mind, whether it be the books they read the programs they watch, the people they vote for and so forth.

I think Matthew Arnold wrote what is happening to the world in an achingly sad and beautiful way in his poem Dover Beach...
"The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world..."

Many people reject faith because you can't prove it with an equation. But thank God we can't because wouldn't we be a lot more like robots if we could prove everything with an equation? And I for one am a free thinker with a will of my own and a knowledge of who I willingly serve and nothing could be more liberating.

Things that you don't want to happen do...Because of you.

I felt the hole. It was deep and stretched miles. I felt the distance that yawned, I saw it and knew I could never make it. The thing is all of this could have been prevented. I didn't have to stand on one side of a canyon looking longingly at the other side. I dug this crater myself. I dug it with my laziness, my excuses, my wayward wants, my ignorance, my addictions and with my lack of communication. I formed it and strengthened it with my bare hands. Now I couldn't destroy what I had so carefully built. Little did I know that what I had created would turn into Frankenstein. Only one other pair of hands could bring this monster down. The question is would I throw away my laziness, give up my excuses, hand over my wayward wants, acknowledge my ignorance, face my addictions and pick up a phone? Time will tell.

Sometimes...

Sometimes stars twinkle and fall on our face and cloud our vision and we mistake it for dust.
Sometimes someone extends their hand to help us up and we automatically think they want to push us down.
Sometimes the hurtful comment from an enemy seem better than the kind advice from a friend.
Sometimes the alluring kiss of a lover seems more comforting than the loving handshake from a man.
Sometimes the words from our parents seem ancient and annoying compared to the enticing words from "friends".
Sometimes a party doesn't seem like a party without any alcohol.
Sometimes we feel like we aren't interesting enough so we invent and drink and cajole to mask insecurities.
Sometimes the only real we know is fake.
Sometimes words that are true seem like ashes on our lips compared to the honeyed nectar of lies.
Sometimes you want to feel sexier so you lower your blouse and bat your lashes instead of smiling with your eyes.
Sometimes we laugh to cover a cry.
Sometimes we dance to cover our lameness.
Sometimes we fix our outside and let the inside rot.
Sometimes we fall in love instead of walking into it with our eyes open.
Sometimes we ignore a gentle knock but open the door to evil banging.

The Deceiver walks among us. He roams like a lion looking for it's prey. Don't open the gates or the flood will rush in.

A little ditty. It's not so witty. :]

So long, it happened so long ago
So sad, so sad was she when she heard the news
So glad, so glad was he right before he went to sleep
She walked on cracked pavement
He floated on streets of gold
Brackets on her face showed her troubles
Lines on his face gave way to his hope

Two people so alike
A million people so alike
How many does it take to change the world?
The world is spinning like the wheels of a bike
Round and round and then stop.

Two sides, black and white
Silver is a lining we can sometimes reach
But parables and stories are hard to teach
So day after day we go on and fight

Against love that is shown
Against forces from a throne
Until we are left bloodied and marred from our own fists
Skin and bones, with nothing real that convicts.

My fingers were tired.

Sharing A Little.

I remember in high school how my ears were hollow and how I was indifferent to Christ. I didn't have an interest in God. I didn't have an interest in Church and I thought my life was fine. I never rebelled against Him in what the world sees as rebelling but in my heart I rebelled because I could no longer feel the knocking on my heart by Christ. I think about what would have happened to me if I would have continued that way but thankfully I didn't. And the way I was able to feel Christ again was through a book. And it wasn't the Bible.

My friend gave me the first book in A Voice in The Wind Series. The book had a heroine named Hadassah. The devil put her through so much but still she remained faithful to God. She was willing to deny her desires, she was willing to die for God if He asked her to. And by the time I finished reading the book I wanted what she had. I wanted her faith, her passion, her zeal, her love for Christ. I wanted it so much I ached for it. And after that I started to seek God. And ever since then my heart has grown in love for Him. I look back on those years and I think about how I wasn't unhappy and yet I wasn't happy. I was just indifferent. And I know that eventually I would have looked for things to prick me back to life and it probably wouldn't have been religion. I read once that the opposite of Love isn't hate but indifference.

I was lukewarm and God had vomited me out of His mouth. Praise be to Him that He doesn't give up on us. He continues to knock on our hearts. I beseech you. Anyone who reads this. There will be a time when He will stop knocking. Not because He has stopped loving you but because you have carelessly discarded His love and you see Him as irrelevant. Your senses have become dulled. God will not push Himself on you. He values our free will and wants you to come to Him because you love and need Him.

I have never been more happy than I am right now in my life. I have never felt more loved than I do right now. I have never felt more accepted more appreciated than I do right now. Christ is with me and I with Him. Blessed be His Holy name, He who has cleansed me of my sins and who loves me more than anything. He who has released me from my chains and who has declared that I shall be free.

I was sitting. I was thinking. Thoughts that went from one hemisphere to the next. Flitting and floating landing nowhere in particular. I thought of Time. Such an elusive thing, Time. The last second is the past, two seconds from now is the future, and we are always in the present. I imagined the seasons that change, given time. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. I imagined the seasons and time spread out. Touching end to end. All at once. The present, the past, and the future all connected as it truly is.
I saw myself walking through tall grass. The birds chirped in my ear and the ocean splashed at my feet. And in my next step leaves of all colors were strewn across the floor. They lay lifeless but beautiful. As if they waited for the time in their lives in which they were the loveliest, the most alive to die. We wait until we are old, our skin loose and spotted our hair sparse and dull. And then we lay in our velvet coffins with blush on our cheeks and tint on our lips. So that if we think really hard and try to remember what they used to look like we can imagine them as the colorful, plumed creatures they [we] once were. When the past was present and the future eons away.
My feet crunched the leaves making beautiful music. I laughed because I was happy. I continued walking on this path, on this stretch that was time. It got cold. Very cold. White covered the trees that were once green, that had turned red and orange and gold, then became barren but still beautiful. The skinny arms outstretched and some caught on my shirt. I moved away and a sprinkling of snow fell on my nose, hair, and shoulders. The tree found me ugly and wanted to clothe me in its garments. I looked beautiful.
My foot took another step and I was in a place half winter half summer. It seemed indecisive. If a season were a woman her name would be Spring. The leaves on the trees were growing again. The air that fell across my check was still cool. Grass had emerged and flowers were blooming. The sun patted my back. All these things I saw when my head I turned.
Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall were all in the past, would happen in the future and since I could see it with my eye were all in the present. I wanted to stay here in this place where I could see time. All at once, all together. No surprises. Just beautiful time. None of it expecting anything from the other. They lived in harmony. The past was not angry because it no longer was, the present was not haughty because it is the most relevant, and the future was not impatient because it wanted to rush upon us.
Time never left, it always was. It was never wasted it was in abundance. It was lovely here and I wish I could stay. But alas, from my chair I rose. Thinking about the time I had wasted, about the things I had to do, and the things I had failed to get done all because of my thinking of time and it’s elusiveness and how things would be if seasons stood end to end with fingers touching. Never letting go.

Comedy's and Tragedy's

It's so weird and sad and disheartening that everything is disappointing. Nothing is ever as good as you want it to be. People will break their promises. Your parents won't pick up your phone call when you have something really cool to tell them. Your friends can be fickle. Your heart can disappoint you because of where it wants to go. Your mind can frustrate you because it can't go where you want it to. Nature dies. Your pet's will sometimes bite you. Your always moving away from something. Your always missing something or someone. The government never has your back. Your brothers and sisters can be mean. Your grandparents can forget you. Sometimes you just can't find the music for that mood you're in. Sometimes the words in books won't describe things well enough. That movie that used to make you laugh has gotten old. Your boyfriend will never be romantic enough. Your girlfriend will forget to need you. Food can fill you but sometimes too much to the point where you can't move (America). There is never enough food (everywhere else). Your favorite sports team lost the big game but won the one that didn't matter. Religion can err when based on the opinions of men.

There is only one thing that doesn't disappoint. There is only one expectation that is met, that is exceeded. There is only one person that'll always listen. Only one person that will always fill but not stuff you. Only one thing that won't turn to dust when you hold it. Only one song that will meet all your moods. Only one book that makes you laugh, cry, jump for joy, consistently.

I choose the water that Jesus offers. The bread that He gives. I will read the book he asks me to read. It's the only thing that's constant. The only thing that's sure. The life of a Christian is a comedy not a tragedy. So live it that way. Forget the rest of the crap.

Trains, Planes, and Automobiles

I hate making decisions. I hate when only one path seems available to you. What if I don't take that path? It's like being on a train. You should have been on that train but only so you could get closer to your destination. But the thing is that you don't want to get off at the stop the train's stopping at because then you'll be farther from where you want to be. So...you decide to jump off the train. But you're scared. And you don't know exactly where you need to jump off or what'll happen if you do. You just know that anything is better than staying on this train. Even though it has comfy seats, nice people, and good food. All of that doesn't matter to you anymore. The train has become stifling and it seems like you can't breath unless you get off. And nobody wants you to jump off. They want you to stay in the train, stay in a place that's known, comfortable. But you can't. You have to jump off.

...
...
...

lame scenario.

Something that popped into my head at 1 in the morning.

I walked into the palace it was enormous. There were pillars with the girth of ten men together and they were made of marble with the bases composed of pure emerald. The floor I was walking on shone like diamonds. Maybe it was. There were exotic animals in huge gilded cages. Tigers, elephants, and such. I walked onto a thick persian rug with an intricate design. It led to the throne of the king. Twenty soldiers on his left and twenty on his right just stood there with their swords ready, waiting for a hint of a threat to the king. The throne the king sat on was made of gold and rubies. His garments were the finest I have ever seen colors only a king could wear. But even if this man was in rags you would know he was someone important. He had sadness on his brow, as if he born with weight on his forehead. His eyes were the kindest things I had ever seen. They spoke of wonders and love. His hands I did not expect, his hands were calloused. As if he used his hands to do hard work regularly. I didn't expect him to rise from his throne but he rose and walked towards me. He extended his hand and grasped my forearm, pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly. As soon as he let go I bowed on my knees and didn't raise my eyes to him. He pulled me up, "Look at me. You have nothing to fear." I got up and I looked into his eyes and my worries melted to the ground and seeped into the persian carpet beneath my feet, never to be found again. The soldier that had led me to the king grabbed my arm unkindly and shook me. "My king, she is sentenced to die. She has committed murder. She has stolen and lied. And done enough crimes for ten men. She is condemned to die."
The king looked at me, "what say you to this?"
"It is true my king. I cannot deny the claims."
"Are you sorry for this?"
"Yes my king." Fervently, for I truly was.
"Then you are free." The soldier was about to voice his objection but the king sent him a look and the soldier became silent.
"I will die in your stead." The great King said.

Sun and Books

Today was a pretty day. I went to McKay's Used Bookstore which is my new favorite place. I bought seven books for 12 bucks. Amazing. And among them was Traveling Mercies Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott which I've been wanting forever. The placed smelled like old books (which I love) and cigarettes (which I don't love) but together make a pleasant smell. McKay's is like some type of mecca for me. It was grand. Then I went to Panera's which was good. All in all good day. Oh yeah, weather's pretty awesome too. I would ride my bike if I wasn't so lazy. Who knows? Maybe I will. God Bless.

Oh check this band out. Their pretty cool in my humble opinion.

Looking Past the Looking Glass

I was talking to a friend today. We're not that close and when I first met her I honestly didn't like her. She was loud and attention grabbing and I'm an introvert so naturally I had a stick up my butt right away. I talked to her tonight and she told me a little about her life. Her family has some serious issues but she's still seeking God. She's a good girl and I have seen God working through her in an amazing way. It takes me a while to warm up to people and I regret it took me so long to warm up to her.

I started thinking about all the people I have met and got bad first impressions and after that their name had a bad connotation with me. I thought about all the people that view me as a stuck up ice queen. And my mind screams out against the stereotype because that's not who I am at all. It just might be people's first impression of me because I'm shy. How superficial to judge people by a first meeting. Or 'I have a bad vibe from this dude'. You know how many times I've said that? One too many. Our opinions, ideas, and feelings can change with the wind. This minute I like it the next I hate it. How can we judge a relationship with a person so quickly?

If God were to sit down with us in the cafe never meeting us before and He got a 'bad vibe' from us, would he leave the table after we ate and hope he never had to hang out with us again? I really hope not. I'm glad God gives me chances. Hundreds, thousands, millions of chances to redeem my former behavior. I'm glad he looks at my heart and not at the one conversation we had three months ago. Because if He did the human race would be in bad shape.

Yes I know some people just don't get along with others. But I truly believe we can find some redeeming quality in everybody. You know why? Because I am everybody, You are everybody. If we just take the time to try and see people as God sees people I think this world would be such a better place.

A king and a King.

I watched the movie David today. David from the Bible David. It's a pretty cool movie. I am just amazed by the way David royally screwed up so many times and God still called him a man after His own heart. I thank God for David, he gives me hope. It's also amazing how merciful David was. He exemplifies God's mercy beautifully.

There is a part in 2 Samuel I forget what chapter, where David's head army guy, Joab, tells David it seems that he loves his enemies and hates his friends. It was after Absoloam (sp?) was killed and they told David that the battle had been won but instead of being happy David mourned. He cried for his son.

And that just makes me think of God. The war has already been won but God must cry every day over each person that's lost in battle.

Things that pierced my brain...

I hate when I'm antsy. I want to go a million places at once. Usually I don't care about the destination just the journey. Being restless for me also means, wanting to say something but not knowing how. So I am saying something but I guess it''s all a bit of nothing. But I'm hoping the ants will leave from my fingertips and rest up on my screen. My mind is going crazy right now. I don't know why. I was going to go run it out but the workout room is closed and it's too cold out. Bah Humbug.

My thoughts make me restless. And I have a test tomorrow. But I don't want to learn about various approaches to literature. I just want to read my book and listen to Aaron Roche and some Priscilla Ahn. Maybe if I write some of the things I'm thinking about it will be better. Let's see.

-God is good.
-People being upset at me for no reason pisses me off.
-Studying makes my mind mushy.
-The crappy hours in the workout room don't make me happy.
-Read the book, Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. It's pretty sweet.
-I want to play the guitar.
-I want to learn how to play the guitar.
-I miss Sabbath. Sometimes I think I spend my week in a kind of mourning for it. Not good.
-I had an awesome time with God this morning, we haven't had one of those in a while.
-Favortism (of people) is for lameos.
-I wish I was more elequent.
-I wish I could spell.
-Should I be an English and Psych major?
-Why is there a feminist theory? Why is there a queer theory? Why is there a Marxist theory? Why are there so many freakin' theories?????!!!!
-Why do I like these things so much ex. ... ... Are they called Elipses?(...)
-Why am I not studying?
-I want a limeaide.
-I think I'm going to get one.
-I want to take pictures.

Peace. And be strengthened. We will be rescued. The war has been won.

Patton Towers.

I went to Patton Towers today. On the Lord's Sabbath day. I heard a wonderful message about agape love. All encompassing love, unconditional love, willing to die for love. And it was beautiful. I went to Patton Towers today. And for those of you who don't know it, it's not the best part of downtown, the richest people don't live there. But what I witnessed there was worth it's weight in gold. I saw people who where poor and dirty and cold and they smelled funny. But they were the most beautiful people I have ever seen. And I mean that with every drop of blood, every bone in my body. I was blessed by going to Patton Towers. There was this woman, Mary, I wish I would have talked to her more. She couldn't walk right, one of her eyes were shut, she could barely talk but with what she was able to say she was praising Jesus. I asked her how she was, "Alive and kicking, praise Jesus," she said.

Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. I must have heard it a thousand times from the lips that were cracked because they were so cold. Hands that hadn't been washed and had just finished smoking a cigarette to warm themselves up, were lifted praising Jesus. Praise Jesus. These people don't know about theology. These people don't know every word in the Bible. These people do not know the pillars of Adventism but what these people do know about, what these beautiful, real, people taught me about, was Jesus. When the glorious feet of Jesus walked this green earth I'm sure one of his many stops would have been at Patton Towers. He would have sang with them, prayed with them, and listened to them. And He would have gotten down on His knees and taken off their dirty sneakers and washed their feet. Our King, Maker of the Universe, Tamer of the seas, would have gotten on His knees and washed OUR dirt filled feet. And guess what? He probably wouldn't have had a bottle of germ-x right next to Him. Something I was regretting I didn't bring.

Oh yes, these lovely people taught me something today. They taught me about my Jesus. I was humbled at Patton Towers.

Body Parts and Cornicopias...Just for you Michelle.

I had a splendiforus weekend with my familia. My mom's the best momma in the whole wide world. Yes I guess I could be a little biased but that's my unbiased opinion. My family's crazy. Their loud and they argue and they laugh and their the best. My weekend with my fam got me to thinking about other family's. About church family's. I've never really had a church family. My parents are divorced so I always went to different churches. And in my teenage years I 'rebelled' against going to church. I liked God but didn't like the church. "The church is a whore and it is my mother." -St. Augustine. Which I think it's true, but whatever, I digress, I got over it and now I cannot imagine my life without church.

The thing is that I'm in college and although I usually go to Collegedale church I'm not a member. I don't help out there. My face and amen's aren't missed when I'm not there. I don't have a set pew I sit in. I don't know all the old people or play with all the children. I don't get asked how am I doing, really doing by people. People are very nice, yes, but I am not a member. I am a member of the body of Christ but where am I in the body? The fingernails? The hair follicles? Where are all the knee caps? All the other toes? Am I part of them? Where is my church family? Do I find them or they find me? I want one to adopt me. I want a church to think I am wonderful and to need me.

So churches, I sent out my adoption papers, if you need me and are less than fifteen minutes away I'll be your daughter. :]

Nice guy in a suit. A relational Jesus.

My mother taught me how to pray: I do.
My father taught me what to say: I do.
They said to go to church each week,
And listen to the preacher speak; I do.
My dean has taught me modesty,
To wear my skirt below the knee; I do.
Life and Teachings helps me too:
I learned Acts 3 verse 22.

Every night at nine o'clock,
Good kids meet to pray in bands; I do.
We sing, "If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands"; I do.
I do these things most every day,
My dean, she says I've found the way.

Let's see. Clap your hands, go to church,
Say a prayer, learn a verse -I'm saved. Yipee!
What did you say? Jesus Christ? Who's He?
-Anonymous

Relational: concerning the way in which two or more people or things are connected.

How are you connected to Christ?

A Slug and the Best Cake Ever

I was thinking about marriage today. I was thinking why in the world do I want it so bad? Why in the world does everyone want it so bad? And thanks to the book, Searching for God knows what, I figured part of it out. The book was saying how we all need affirmation and love. And people do all sorts of crazy things to find it. Whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol, education, anything and everything can be used to fill the void. A void that is there because of our separation from God. Think about it. Why do we care so much about, how we look, how we do in school, whether we're likable, and a million other things. We seek love, we seek affirmation from the people around us.

When we are separated from God we look for counterfeit things to fill it. It's like a diamond necklace that has paste instead of diamonds. In a dark room it might fool some people but in the bright light it will never fool anyone. People think that if we have good parents that they can fill our love and acceptance quota. But they can't. Why else do we seek other ways of acceptance. Our parents are sinners, our friends are sinners, our significant others are sinners, we are sinners. We cannot be relieved from a tainted love. The only way we can ever breathe, true breaths, is by receiving the pure love of God. And some of us don't even accept what God has to offer.

My heart aches for those that don't know the only real love there is. Because everything else is a counterfeit. Yeah, it might feel real for a little bit but through time it will fade and show it's true colors. Now I'm not saying that our families and friends and so on don't really love us, because they do. But we will become disillusioned with their love. Their love can never satisfy. You know how leaves die when they aren't connected to their life source. They turn this really ugly ashy brown and shrivel up and die. Well thats what happens to us when we aren't connected to our Father.

One of the reasons I think people get married is because it is a nonverbal expression of acceptance, of love. It's like, this guy loved me so much he was willing to be with me the rest of his life. They picked my company over all the rest. They thought I was the best. But when we have God finding that type of love and acceptance is just the icing on an already awesome cake.

I don't know who will read this but I just want to let you know that God loves you. He thinks your the best. If their was a team and you were the captain He would want to be on your team. He would want to ask you to that banquet. He would want to sit beside you in class, call you at night and talk to you. He thinks your amazing and as proof He gave you a field of sunflowers. God loves you. If you were running a marathon He would be cheering for you. These are all lame scenarios but I don't know how else to get across that the Maker of the Universe, the Ruler of EVERYTHING wants and loves and needs you. Your special. Your loved. And your worth so much that Jesus became human. I haven't even gotten to the dying part yet. He came from a place so perfect to a place that is a dump compared to Heaven. He in essence became a slug. A slug? Yeah, a slug. Because A GOD, THE GOD came down and became this tiny, insignificant, ugly, human. Because compared to the glory of God we can't be that great looking, especially after what we have done to ourselves through sin.

We are worth a lot. Why? Because God deemed it necessary enough to send His Son to die on the cross for us. We are loved. Don't throw His love away on things that are counterfeit. Please. Enjoy the 100%, genuine, real deal, love that God is offering us.

For real.

I screamed at my Father today. I feel so guilty. My heart aches and my mind races with what I have done. Oh, I didn't scream at him with my voice by with my impatience. I told Him what I wanted and when I wanted it. And He kindly said, not now. And I had to stop myself from pulling the hair from my scalp. I feel like I've waited for years and years but He said, what's a few more? And I felt like He was being insensitive. I felt like He didn't want to fulfill my needs. As I write this I laugh because my Father, my Maker, knows exactly what I need and when I need it. Yet, I doubted Him. Yet, I doubt Him.

A more fickle or impatient person you'd be hard pressed to find. I rail at my Father telling Him all my demands and wanting them now. This instant. That is all I know. This instant. I want something I go buy it. I need something I go buy it. If I wait in line for more than five minutes I get frustrated. My friends, I need prayer. Pray for me and I'll pray for you.

God is my protecter. He knows all my fears. God is my provider. He knows all my needs. God is my deliverer. He hears all my pleas. God is my friend. He listens to my cries and the water from His eyes fill rivers. He hears my laugh and the Earth shakes with His glee. He sees my brow troubled and He paints the flowers so that I might smile.

I write this and I write what I know. God is love and nothing less.

Truthful Recording?

Even private journals do not reveal on their pages the writer's sinful deeds. Sometimes the conflicts with evil are recorded, but usually only when the right has gained the victory. But they may contain a faithful account of praiseworthy acts and noble endeavors; this, too, when the writer honestly intends to keep a faithful journal of his life. It is next to a human impossibility to lay open our faults for the possible inspection of our friends.

- Ellen G. White, Testimonies Vol. 4

So true.

Giant

I saw this tree. It was huge. The leaves were all the shades of green you could imagine. The roots could be seen, you know those types of roots that you trip over? Yea, well these were really big. I looked at the tree and I thought of Pocahantas. You know Mother Willow or whatever that tree's name is. This tree reminded me of her. I thought of the tree whispering all the secrets it has seen. And when the branches swayed I felt like it was whispering to me. Freaky. I thought of how majestic trees are. And I thought how this one must be the Queen of trees or at least the great grandmother of the trees. The tree was soothing, it was forboding, it was inviting. I had the strongest urge to climb the limbs of this tree and put my cheek against it's bark. And let it's quiet strength feed me strength.

If I believed in reincarnation I would want to come back as that tree. All the lovers lean on it, all the children climb it, and all the birds build their nests in it. This tree has seen my grandparents grow old, this tree has inspired poems, this tree has seen beauty. This tree is beauty. It has seen terrible things yet it stands tall. It has gone through terrible winters, and horrible storms; yet it stands firm. A more courageous tree I have yet to see.

I thought about the hands that formed this giant and I wondered how big they were. I imagined Gods hands separating each branch from the other and curving and twisting them as if they were wires. I imagined Him thinking of leaves and then having them appear in His enormous hands and His breath, the breath of life, blew them onto the empty branches. And I saw the leaves gently falling and filling the branches and when they met, the leaves rustled and sighed as if they were happy to be home.

This tree made me think of God. How God stands firm through time. How He has seen horrible things and yet He is unmoving. The promises He spoke thousands of years ago can still be claimed today. I took comfort in the solace that the tree offered. I took comfort in my God.

Alien

It has been three days since I murdered the Man. The sun has beaten my face with its outstreached arms. The rocks that I walk upon claw at my feet to the point were they are bloodied. My lips are parched, they are cracked and feel like the sand paper father would use to smooth the tables he carved. I wish I was dead. Ever since I hammered His hand to that tree I have wished myself dead over and over.

As I was walking on the fourth day I saw a girl. She appeared to be my age, she looked worn. She looked as if she to wanted to die. We came upon eachother. It had been so long since I last used my voice my words came out gruff and low. I asked her where she was going. And she shrugged. I asked her if she was by herself. She nodded. I asked her why she was walking all by herself and she turned away from me. I called to her to wait. I was so thirsty it felt like bees were stinging my throat. She turned around. Can I tell you why I am walking? I asked her. I had to tell someone what I had done. Maybe saying it outloud would somehow make a little of the pain leave my mind. I told her. But I didn't look at her as I said it. I told her I murdered an innocent man. She told me to look at her. I did. She lifted her hands and they were as crimson as mine. I cried. I was disgusted with myself. I felt relief that she had done the same thing as me. Relief! How can I feel relief? She cried as well. We didn't hug each other but we walked together. Not talking just silently weeping.

It seems that misery does love company.